Because we're sadomasochists at heart, we tend to dive into the things that are wrong from the very beginning. We pray and hope that one day, it will turn out to be the right thing for us. We think that the reason why people are against it, is because they're just jealous or they don't know any better.
We fall for the taken. We fall for our girl friend's ex, or worse, the best friend of our ex. We fall for the bad guy. We fall for someone whom our family dislikes. We fall for the person our family doesn't trust. We fall for someone who is so wrong for us. Some things are not even worth fighting for, when you know you're potentially ruining something that shouldn't be touched in the first place.
We end up fighting our hearts out for so long, thinking that in the end, our hard work and efforts will pay off.
Wrong.
What is wrong from the beginning, is wrong for a purpose. It's God's way of telling us: stop, and don't even think about it. Would you honestly want to experience a heart break, which is of your own doing?
Most times, we make excuses. We tell ourselves, "matitigilan ko din to"; it becomes an addiction, and grows into something unstoppable, until we just keep telling ourselves that one way or another, something's gonna happen to make it stop, or rather, it could be meant to be, since you're still dancing together.
Wrong again.
I've been there; liking or dating the person whom I'm not supposed to be with; telling myself that I'm only human, and I'm allowed a maximum number of mistakes, or that I only live once, or that hey, I'm so tired of being good, so might as well be bad just this once; I've been there -- thinking that this will only be a one-time thing, chucking my conscience elsewhere, because I think to myself, this will not go on.
But would you really want to dig that grave for yourself? To be the one who could potentially ruin relationships - friendships, romantic relationships, and worse, marriages? Could you carry it around in your conscience? Maybe for a time yes, but in the long run, things will eventually blow up in your face. Trust me, the girl who married the wrong person, because I never listened to the people who care about me.
Masarap ang bawal, ika nga nila. But don't ever make a permanent decision for a temporary emotion. Our hormones and feelings are always fleeting and unreliable, and all of our decisions have corresponding repercussions in the future.
So don't start something, that isn't even right from the start; don't play with fire; don't think that you're strong enough to handle something, which you know, you won't be able to resist soon; don't fight what your gut is telling you when it says "stop, think, and turn around".
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
It's Been a Year
I remember perfectly how it all went down; how an argument led to calling up my mom at 1 in the morning to ask her to pick us (me and Laela) up at our townhouse in Project 6.
I vividly remember how he tried to stop me from leaving; how I said I just needed space, and that this was just a temporary thing.
I remember how he called me lazy; how he got so pissed about me not being able to serve him lunch, simply because I was exhausted from work and from taking care of our daughter; how my efforts have always gone to waste, whenever his expectations of how a good wife is supposed to be, were not met.
I remember how I asked my 'then' boss that I had to have my shift schedule adjusted, because I was emotionally distraught; only to wake up in the middle of the night, to an empty house, with no signs of the person you depended on to watch over your kid once you left for work. I remember how I called my bosses up, to tell them that I had to go on leave because he was gone.
I remember how finally, I had the chance to leave, and that I didn't think twice about packing up. How I called up my father-in-law and told him I'm done, and that I couldn't do this anymore.
I can't believe it's been a year since all of this happened. I can't believe that the reality of being separated has graduated to a year. What's most ironic is how our anniversary/monthsary falls on the 27th of each month... and that exact date would be the day when I'd leave.
I always thought that marriages were set in stone; that the commitment you have is for life, and that those vows, though broken, should still be followed through, "til death do you part"; but how can an abused person live through more years of pain? How can one stand a person who refuses to love you the way you should be loved?
I might be judged for the life I live now, that I simply followed my parents' footsteps, and dove into the statistic of the dysfunctional and separated; but again, I stand by my decision, not out of pride, not out of some selfish intent, but rather, out of love -- love for my daughter, and love for myself.
So here I am, celebrating my first anniversary alone at the store, out of that wretched place I used to call home.. indeed, the greatest life lessons are learned the hard way, but nevertheless, learned, and mastered.
I vividly remember how he tried to stop me from leaving; how I said I just needed space, and that this was just a temporary thing.
I remember how he called me lazy; how he got so pissed about me not being able to serve him lunch, simply because I was exhausted from work and from taking care of our daughter; how my efforts have always gone to waste, whenever his expectations of how a good wife is supposed to be, were not met.
I remember how I asked my 'then' boss that I had to have my shift schedule adjusted, because I was emotionally distraught; only to wake up in the middle of the night, to an empty house, with no signs of the person you depended on to watch over your kid once you left for work. I remember how I called my bosses up, to tell them that I had to go on leave because he was gone.
I remember how finally, I had the chance to leave, and that I didn't think twice about packing up. How I called up my father-in-law and told him I'm done, and that I couldn't do this anymore.
I can't believe it's been a year since all of this happened. I can't believe that the reality of being separated has graduated to a year. What's most ironic is how our anniversary/monthsary falls on the 27th of each month... and that exact date would be the day when I'd leave.
I always thought that marriages were set in stone; that the commitment you have is for life, and that those vows, though broken, should still be followed through, "til death do you part"; but how can an abused person live through more years of pain? How can one stand a person who refuses to love you the way you should be loved?
I might be judged for the life I live now, that I simply followed my parents' footsteps, and dove into the statistic of the dysfunctional and separated; but again, I stand by my decision, not out of pride, not out of some selfish intent, but rather, out of love -- love for my daughter, and love for myself.
So here I am, celebrating my first anniversary alone at the store, out of that wretched place I used to call home.. indeed, the greatest life lessons are learned the hard way, but nevertheless, learned, and mastered.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
A Big Change
For 4 years, I worked as a night shift practitioner for IBM. I worked in a routine-filled environment, always thinking that I would stay here, far longer than I expected.
The moment I graduated, I was asked to work out of necessity. I never had the time (or luxury) to take a breather, get some rest, or to have some vacation to enjoy my youth before I had to start paying for my own bills. I grew up too fast, I think, but it was because I had to help around the house. God knows we haven't been the most financially-blessed family there is.
I never mapped out my plans, what my dreams were, or what I envisioned myself to be in the next 5 years. I never had some sort of projection as to what I saw myself in.
I just needed money, and I needed it fast; so lo and behold, my sister, who was already an employee in IBM, asked me to try it out. So I did. Got hired immediately, and started before I knew it.
May 19, 2009 was my exact hire date. Started out with BMS Learning, then 2 years later, moved to L&K ILO for a year, then a year later, was moved to Brand ILO... my final team before I make this big career move.
From working in the BPO industry for 4 years, I never thought I'd switch to fashion/retail/sales/marketing. I really did not expect this. I just stumbled upon the posting in Job Street, that said "Fashion Consultant", and actually applied for it out of sheer whim. The interviews happened, and after weeks of doubting and waiting, voila.
I'm now heading the Stuart Weitzman store in SM Aura. From being a practitioner in the BPO industry, I now find myself being an instant manager and head of a team. I've also been speaking with Brand Ambassadors in preparation for our store's opening. I'm finally doing public relations, one that I actually studied for, for 4 years in Ateneo. I'm finally doing what I love the most -- speaking with people, and being able to be the fashionista that I am. And the best part is, I'm dealing with SHOES -- shoes! Shoes, which I love the most.. which is my ultimate fashion "luho", next to make up of course.
After 4 years of being a vampire, I finally get to be normal. Finally get to sleep beside Laela at night. She would finally wake up next to me, and I'll be the first person she sees when the sunlight hits our room.
All this, is such a big change -- both scary and exciting at the same time. I'm moving out of my comfort zone, and moving into something that's very new to me... I know though that somehow, things are finally falling into place.. and that God's making a way for me to have a better life.
I pray I do well, and that I succeed in this new field. I'm very excited, and hopeful, and scared, and among other things, just thankful that I was given this opportunity. A lot of responsibility has been handed over to me, but I guess they saw something in me that made me right for the position.. :)
The moment I graduated, I was asked to work out of necessity. I never had the time (or luxury) to take a breather, get some rest, or to have some vacation to enjoy my youth before I had to start paying for my own bills. I grew up too fast, I think, but it was because I had to help around the house. God knows we haven't been the most financially-blessed family there is.
I never mapped out my plans, what my dreams were, or what I envisioned myself to be in the next 5 years. I never had some sort of projection as to what I saw myself in.
I just needed money, and I needed it fast; so lo and behold, my sister, who was already an employee in IBM, asked me to try it out. So I did. Got hired immediately, and started before I knew it.
May 19, 2009 was my exact hire date. Started out with BMS Learning, then 2 years later, moved to L&K ILO for a year, then a year later, was moved to Brand ILO... my final team before I make this big career move.
From working in the BPO industry for 4 years, I never thought I'd switch to fashion/retail/sales/marketing. I really did not expect this. I just stumbled upon the posting in Job Street, that said "Fashion Consultant", and actually applied for it out of sheer whim. The interviews happened, and after weeks of doubting and waiting, voila.
I'm now heading the Stuart Weitzman store in SM Aura. From being a practitioner in the BPO industry, I now find myself being an instant manager and head of a team. I've also been speaking with Brand Ambassadors in preparation for our store's opening. I'm finally doing public relations, one that I actually studied for, for 4 years in Ateneo. I'm finally doing what I love the most -- speaking with people, and being able to be the fashionista that I am. And the best part is, I'm dealing with SHOES -- shoes! Shoes, which I love the most.. which is my ultimate fashion "luho", next to make up of course.
After 4 years of being a vampire, I finally get to be normal. Finally get to sleep beside Laela at night. She would finally wake up next to me, and I'll be the first person she sees when the sunlight hits our room.
All this, is such a big change -- both scary and exciting at the same time. I'm moving out of my comfort zone, and moving into something that's very new to me... I know though that somehow, things are finally falling into place.. and that God's making a way for me to have a better life.
I pray I do well, and that I succeed in this new field. I'm very excited, and hopeful, and scared, and among other things, just thankful that I was given this opportunity. A lot of responsibility has been handed over to me, but I guess they saw something in me that made me right for the position.. :)
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
[Im]patiently Waiting
Galatians 6:9
The art of waiting. It's always difficult, if not, the most frustrating thing we'd have to experience. I'm a self-confessed impatient person. I tend to perform impulsively, just because I'd like to get things done in a snap. I like deciding on things quickly. I like getting results quickly.
Which is probably why God continues to try and test my patience, in order to mold me into a more patient person. They say, 'patience is a virtue'...which is very hard to have. I like being in control all the time, yet He continues to push me to wait, and to just trust that everything will be okay.
Lately, this is what I've been experiencing - the art of waiting.
Waiting for positive results.
Waiting for what my calling is, career wise.
Waiting for who really is meant for me, if there is even one.
Though I would understand myself, simply because I know how much pressure I get, I know that worrying and being impatient about things won't really improve the status quo.
I've been taught lately to just be still and to know that He is starting to lay the foundation of what I know will become the turning point, yet again, in this stage in my life. Lo and behold, after months of grueling, frustrating, days and days and months of waiting, I got a response. Something that I had not expected. And just last night, another opportunity presented itself to me, and I honestly don't know what to do about it, but to grab it, whatever outcome it could give.
From what I have been experiencing lately, I'm happy that I have been tested a lot...because now I know, with the results that I'm getting, that all this, has become a great testimony of faith, of believing that God does want the best for me. Lately, I've also been feeling a sense of peace... little by little, I'm starting to not feel so alone anymore... that I'm enjoying my singlehood, by focusing my energy more on strengthening my career, and on building a good foundation for my family, most especially for my daughter.
All this that's about to change in my life excites me more than it scares me. I had no idea that in 2013, I would have a totally different view about where my life will be headed.. and I'm more than thankful that God has been there. :)
God does, and will surprise you. In the most unimaginable, unfathomable way possible. Trust me, He has done so. :)
And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.
The art of waiting. It's always difficult, if not, the most frustrating thing we'd have to experience. I'm a self-confessed impatient person. I tend to perform impulsively, just because I'd like to get things done in a snap. I like deciding on things quickly. I like getting results quickly.
Which is probably why God continues to try and test my patience, in order to mold me into a more patient person. They say, 'patience is a virtue'...which is very hard to have. I like being in control all the time, yet He continues to push me to wait, and to just trust that everything will be okay.
Lately, this is what I've been experiencing - the art of waiting.
Waiting for positive results.
Waiting for what my calling is, career wise.
Waiting for who really is meant for me, if there is even one.
Though I would understand myself, simply because I know how much pressure I get, I know that worrying and being impatient about things won't really improve the status quo.
I've been taught lately to just be still and to know that He is starting to lay the foundation of what I know will become the turning point, yet again, in this stage in my life. Lo and behold, after months of grueling, frustrating, days and days and months of waiting, I got a response. Something that I had not expected. And just last night, another opportunity presented itself to me, and I honestly don't know what to do about it, but to grab it, whatever outcome it could give.
From what I have been experiencing lately, I'm happy that I have been tested a lot...because now I know, with the results that I'm getting, that all this, has become a great testimony of faith, of believing that God does want the best for me. Lately, I've also been feeling a sense of peace... little by little, I'm starting to not feel so alone anymore... that I'm enjoying my singlehood, by focusing my energy more on strengthening my career, and on building a good foundation for my family, most especially for my daughter.
All this that's about to change in my life excites me more than it scares me. I had no idea that in 2013, I would have a totally different view about where my life will be headed.. and I'm more than thankful that God has been there. :)
God does, and will surprise you. In the most unimaginable, unfathomable way possible. Trust me, He has done so. :)
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
The Roadmap to My Heart
You think I'm complicated, when in reality, I just have a list of standards that don't match yours. I enjoy flings, temporary fleeting feelings of happiness, but only to a certain extent. I know when to stop. I enjoy being wooed. I like receiving flowers. I like being able to give. Most of the time, actually.
I like to be kissed. A lot. to be cuddled. to be told once in a while that I look and smell good.
I like to hold hands. In private. And subtly, In public.
I like to be surprised. I've always wanted someone to surprise me during my birthday. I enjoy long walks. I like to be alone. So when I ask for some time by myself, please, give it to me.
I like being around guys. Not because I'm a shameless flirt, but because I'm just one of the boys like that. I enjoy drinking, but not getting wasted. I like to drown my sorrows in food and coffee; so if you'd like to cheer me up, bring me some iced white chocolate mocha, or some caramel coffee frappe with hazelnut syrup.
I can be mean, but I'm such a softy. An apology can instantly melt my heart. As long as you mean it.
I like to be needed, but not to be used.
I need you to love me as much as I love my daughter. Or even more.
I like to be pampered, even for just a little. I've always wanted to be treated to some island getaway.
I like trying new things with people, as long as it doesn't involve eating worms or crunchy crickets. Or orgies. Or threesomes. No.
I like to pray. And to talk about God, even when I'm not the most Godly woman you'd meet -- because -- I curse. I get road rage when I drive. I have a tendency to become a backseat/passenger seat driver. I easily get pissed when I'm hormonal. I easily cry as well.
I have a crazy-ass family.
I can be quite bi-polar. One day I'm extremely optimistic, the next, I can be so sad.
I'm very expressive. I say what's on my mind, so if I end up offending you with my blunt honesty, I'm sorry.
I say sorry a lot. But I always mean it.
I like letters. Cards. And the old-fashioned way of being courted.
I'm obviously not a virgin, but please don't treat me like I'm not one. I still can be old-fashioned and wholesome.
I enjoy doing childlike things once in a while. We all need that.
I post too many pictures and videos of/with my daughter. Just because I'm her number one fan.
I will end up posting about you, should you do so well with winning me over.
I've been so used to telling myself not to fall or not to like someone, so forgive me if I become too careful at first.
I'm a package deal. You get me and my daughter, or you don't get me at all.
I want my family to like you, and you to like them. I have had it with relationships that have to be kept secret, or that have to be tweaked to match their standards.
I hope you'd be financially stable. I can't have another anchor in my life.
I miss traveling... so taking me out for a really nice vacation would really really really mean a lot.
I like to shop. So when I do, please don't pressure me to hurry up.
I love shoes & makeup. Don't stop me from buying more :)
When I tell you exactly how I feel, please don't get angry. I'd rather be straight, than to hide my emotions, and explode unexpectedly one day.
I love to sing. In the shower. More so when I drive. So when I hit a high note, and it sounds awfully wrong, just laugh at me.
I love to eat. My usual food cravings when I've hit my time of the month are Japanese food and pizza.
I love to watch movies. Re-watch movies that I love. Like Clueless, Mean Girls, White Chicks, and Eurotrip. I love to lounge around and watch my favorite TV series as well. Bring me PLL, TVD, Suits, TWD, 90210, and True Blood, any day.
I usually can't go out. So if you'd like to see me, visit me at home. :)
I will flirt. Shamelessly flirt. But only with you. :)
I need you to be completely honest, even if the truth would hurt. To be respectful, even if I'm acting like a total b*tch. To be loving, even when I'm difficult to understand. To be brave when I'm scared. To be able to accept who I was, who I am, whom I will become, and whom I'll never be. To embrace my situation fully. Tell your parents/family about me. To be so damn proud that you won me over.
I wonder where you are. I know I haven't met you yet, I think. If you do exist, I hope He intended for us to meet. I'm in no rush, but I have to admit, sometimes it does get lonely too (I'm human, sue me.) So whoever you are... here are just some of the things you need to know about me. I wonder who's actually up to the challenge. :)
I like to be kissed. A lot. to be cuddled. to be told once in a while that I look and smell good.
I like to hold hands. In private. And subtly, In public.
I like to be surprised. I've always wanted someone to surprise me during my birthday. I enjoy long walks. I like to be alone. So when I ask for some time by myself, please, give it to me.
I like being around guys. Not because I'm a shameless flirt, but because I'm just one of the boys like that. I enjoy drinking, but not getting wasted. I like to drown my sorrows in food and coffee; so if you'd like to cheer me up, bring me some iced white chocolate mocha, or some caramel coffee frappe with hazelnut syrup.
I can be mean, but I'm such a softy. An apology can instantly melt my heart. As long as you mean it.
I like to be needed, but not to be used.
I need you to love me as much as I love my daughter. Or even more.
I like to be pampered, even for just a little. I've always wanted to be treated to some island getaway.
I like trying new things with people, as long as it doesn't involve eating worms or crunchy crickets. Or orgies. Or threesomes. No.
I like to pray. And to talk about God, even when I'm not the most Godly woman you'd meet -- because -- I curse. I get road rage when I drive. I have a tendency to become a backseat/passenger seat driver. I easily get pissed when I'm hormonal. I easily cry as well.
I have a crazy-ass family.
I can be quite bi-polar. One day I'm extremely optimistic, the next, I can be so sad.
I'm very expressive. I say what's on my mind, so if I end up offending you with my blunt honesty, I'm sorry.
I say sorry a lot. But I always mean it.
I like letters. Cards. And the old-fashioned way of being courted.
I'm obviously not a virgin, but please don't treat me like I'm not one. I still can be old-fashioned and wholesome.
I enjoy doing childlike things once in a while. We all need that.
I post too many pictures and videos of/with my daughter. Just because I'm her number one fan.
I will end up posting about you, should you do so well with winning me over.
I've been so used to telling myself not to fall or not to like someone, so forgive me if I become too careful at first.
I'm a package deal. You get me and my daughter, or you don't get me at all.
I want my family to like you, and you to like them. I have had it with relationships that have to be kept secret, or that have to be tweaked to match their standards.
I hope you'd be financially stable. I can't have another anchor in my life.
I miss traveling... so taking me out for a really nice vacation would really really really mean a lot.
I like to shop. So when I do, please don't pressure me to hurry up.
I love shoes & makeup. Don't stop me from buying more :)
When I tell you exactly how I feel, please don't get angry. I'd rather be straight, than to hide my emotions, and explode unexpectedly one day.
I love to sing. In the shower. More so when I drive. So when I hit a high note, and it sounds awfully wrong, just laugh at me.
I love to eat. My usual food cravings when I've hit my time of the month are Japanese food and pizza.
I love to watch movies. Re-watch movies that I love. Like Clueless, Mean Girls, White Chicks, and Eurotrip. I love to lounge around and watch my favorite TV series as well. Bring me PLL, TVD, Suits, TWD, 90210, and True Blood, any day.
I usually can't go out. So if you'd like to see me, visit me at home. :)
I will flirt. Shamelessly flirt. But only with you. :)
I need you to be completely honest, even if the truth would hurt. To be respectful, even if I'm acting like a total b*tch. To be loving, even when I'm difficult to understand. To be brave when I'm scared. To be able to accept who I was, who I am, whom I will become, and whom I'll never be. To embrace my situation fully. Tell your parents/family about me. To be so damn proud that you won me over.
I wonder where you are. I know I haven't met you yet, I think. If you do exist, I hope He intended for us to meet. I'm in no rush, but I have to admit, sometimes it does get lonely too (I'm human, sue me.) So whoever you are... here are just some of the things you need to know about me. I wonder who's actually up to the challenge. :)
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Decisions, decisions
Being helpless has never felt this good. I know it might sound sadistic in nature, but really, it's what pushed me back to praying more, and to having more faith in Him. Lately, I've been finding myself having to make life decisions. Career. Relationships. Friendships. the list goes on and on and on... thing is, we can never really control the wheel of our lives. We could steer it at some point, but ultimately, it's still up to the Big Boss out there where He'd want to take us.
I've always believed that God won't give you a problem that's too big, or too overwhelming, that you won't be able to handle. He'd equip you with a support system, and with help that we never expect to have. More often than not, He'd surprise us when we least expect it.
And lately, that's what's been happening to me.
I may not be an expert on faith, or hope, or on Christianity.. but I can be certain that somehow, things are starting to fall into place. My patience has been tested, to the point that I've literally tried to give up and to just think that the universe hated me with a passion... but maybe He's just been waiting for me to come back all along.. I've been too proud and too focused on my problems, that I failed to recognize that having a little bit of faith can go a long way.
So for now, I know I can only pray, and hope for the best... He knows what my heart desires, and He knows that ultimately, I just want what's best for me, my daughter, and my family.
I hope this time, my prayer aligns with His will. :)
I've always believed that God won't give you a problem that's too big, or too overwhelming, that you won't be able to handle. He'd equip you with a support system, and with help that we never expect to have. More often than not, He'd surprise us when we least expect it.
And lately, that's what's been happening to me.
I may not be an expert on faith, or hope, or on Christianity.. but I can be certain that somehow, things are starting to fall into place. My patience has been tested, to the point that I've literally tried to give up and to just think that the universe hated me with a passion... but maybe He's just been waiting for me to come back all along.. I've been too proud and too focused on my problems, that I failed to recognize that having a little bit of faith can go a long way.
So for now, I know I can only pray, and hope for the best... He knows what my heart desires, and He knows that ultimately, I just want what's best for me, my daughter, and my family.
I hope this time, my prayer aligns with His will. :)
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Facts of Life at 25
1. You will get heartbroken.
2. Everywhere you go, the concept of "rush hour" in Manila is now dead. Traffic will most likely be unpredictably heavy.
3. Life is unfair.
4. But it doesn't have to be that difficult.
5. Your life is the way it is now, because of the decisions you make for yourself. So don't go blaming everything else on other people.
6. Being called too thin, is the same as being called too fat. Weight will always be a sensitive issue to at least one person.
7. Once you have a kid, EVERYTHING changes. Your body. Your mind. Your decisions. Your budget. Your priorities. And yes, your sanity.
8. Friends with benefits - 1 person always breaks. Always.
9. One's libido can die, if the person he/she is sleeping with has destroyed his/her's emotional state.
10. Too much or too less of something or someone is never good.
11. Babies are too cute; but they can be evil sometimes.
12. To cure depression, often times people resort to:
a. going to the parlor
b. pigging out
c. partying
d. drinking
e. there's having fun, and there's having FUN
13. Complaining is never attractive.
14. So is judging others.
15. Even when you keep telling yourself you won't trust others anymore, more often than not, you still do.
16. A job is more of a need, than a want.
17. Our mothers become our worst enemy at some point in our lives...then we come to understand why they are when we become mothers ourselves (or when we finally mature enough to accept that they were right)
18. If a guy keeps teasing you, he most probably likes you.
19. If you think someone is lying, most likely he/she is.
20. There will always be that 1 person who remains to be your 'epic love'.
21. When God says "no", He's just saving you from disaster.
22. Things happen for a reason; though it might take months or even years for us to discover what those reasons are.
23. Patience is a virtue ----- that is very very very hard to master.
24. Not all guys who give you their attention genuinely like you. Some may just be really bored.
25. Friends come and go. You're lucky to have at least 3-5 really really good ones. :)
2. Everywhere you go, the concept of "rush hour" in Manila is now dead. Traffic will most likely be unpredictably heavy.
3. Life is unfair.
4. But it doesn't have to be that difficult.
5. Your life is the way it is now, because of the decisions you make for yourself. So don't go blaming everything else on other people.
6. Being called too thin, is the same as being called too fat. Weight will always be a sensitive issue to at least one person.
7. Once you have a kid, EVERYTHING changes. Your body. Your mind. Your decisions. Your budget. Your priorities. And yes, your sanity.
8. Friends with benefits - 1 person always breaks. Always.
9. One's libido can die, if the person he/she is sleeping with has destroyed his/her's emotional state.
10. Too much or too less of something or someone is never good.
11. Babies are too cute; but they can be evil sometimes.
12. To cure depression, often times people resort to:
a. going to the parlor
b. pigging out
c. partying
d. drinking
e. there's having fun, and there's having FUN
13. Complaining is never attractive.
14. So is judging others.
15. Even when you keep telling yourself you won't trust others anymore, more often than not, you still do.
16. A job is more of a need, than a want.
17. Our mothers become our worst enemy at some point in our lives...then we come to understand why they are when we become mothers ourselves (or when we finally mature enough to accept that they were right)
18. If a guy keeps teasing you, he most probably likes you.
19. If you think someone is lying, most likely he/she is.
20. There will always be that 1 person who remains to be your 'epic love'.
21. When God says "no", He's just saving you from disaster.
22. Things happen for a reason; though it might take months or even years for us to discover what those reasons are.
23. Patience is a virtue ----- that is very very very hard to master.
24. Not all guys who give you their attention genuinely like you. Some may just be really bored.
25. Friends come and go. You're lucky to have at least 3-5 really really good ones. :)
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Am I the Only One?
Disclaimer: I don't regret ever having a kid. My daughter is the best part of my life, and I could care less (well a little) if I'd ever land myself a decent, stable partner in the future.
But am I the only one who gets tired? Frustrated when I feel like I'm not doing enough? Is it always going to be this way? I know I can't complain. I got myself in this situation (I didn't get pregnant by myself you know), and I've decided to go through with it... but I guess I never thought it would be this difficult, most especially when physically, sometimes I feel like I can't handle it anymore.
My mom would always tell me it really is like this.. when you have a kid, you kindof don't have the right to get tired, or to complain that you're too exhausted.. I know comparing myself to other parents is just plain stupid, and well, just really stupid.. but when I see other parents I know, how come they seem so.. okay? That they have time to go out, and not feel guilty when they go out? Is it because they're partners, and not necessarily single parents? Makes me wonder who takes care of their kid(s) when they do go out.. and sometimes, I couldn't help but think, why can't I have that?
AGAIN, I love my kid, 100000%%%%, and if only I could take her out every time I get the urge to leave, I would. I feel guilty for wanting to be alone sometimes... but when she's borrowed, I can't sleep either. Is this how single parenthood really works?
And now I'm feeling the pressure of earning more.. so I'm exploring other opportunities, and yet still get pressured constantly.. I feel like it's unfair if I asked for a break.. but honestly? I do want one. A guilt-free break where I don't feel guilty about leaving Laela with my mom.. because I have this feeling that every time I get to rest, I get this judgy look from her, because she has to take care of my baby.
It's weird how work has become my "break".. how I get to spend some time by myself, and how 15 minutes of alone time brings me bliss.. I feel guilty, knowing that I feel happy being alone at times..
so am I the only one? Am I so unfair? Does it make me a bad person/mother/daughter to feel this way?
Dreading the answers to these questions.
But am I the only one who gets tired? Frustrated when I feel like I'm not doing enough? Is it always going to be this way? I know I can't complain. I got myself in this situation (I didn't get pregnant by myself you know), and I've decided to go through with it... but I guess I never thought it would be this difficult, most especially when physically, sometimes I feel like I can't handle it anymore.
My mom would always tell me it really is like this.. when you have a kid, you kindof don't have the right to get tired, or to complain that you're too exhausted.. I know comparing myself to other parents is just plain stupid, and well, just really stupid.. but when I see other parents I know, how come they seem so.. okay? That they have time to go out, and not feel guilty when they go out? Is it because they're partners, and not necessarily single parents? Makes me wonder who takes care of their kid(s) when they do go out.. and sometimes, I couldn't help but think, why can't I have that?
AGAIN, I love my kid, 100000%%%%, and if only I could take her out every time I get the urge to leave, I would. I feel guilty for wanting to be alone sometimes... but when she's borrowed, I can't sleep either. Is this how single parenthood really works?
And now I'm feeling the pressure of earning more.. so I'm exploring other opportunities, and yet still get pressured constantly.. I feel like it's unfair if I asked for a break.. but honestly? I do want one. A guilt-free break where I don't feel guilty about leaving Laela with my mom.. because I have this feeling that every time I get to rest, I get this judgy look from her, because she has to take care of my baby.
It's weird how work has become my "break".. how I get to spend some time by myself, and how 15 minutes of alone time brings me bliss.. I feel guilty, knowing that I feel happy being alone at times..
so am I the only one? Am I so unfair? Does it make me a bad person/mother/daughter to feel this way?
Dreading the answers to these questions.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Why the broken should not date
Let's face it. You wake up everyday thinking "oh boy, another day ahead". You dread life. Living. Laughing. You dread the happiness you feel for a fleeting moment, because you know that one day, all that happiness will be wiped away by one stupid mistake.
You are broken. You feel like your life has been nothing but a mash up of several mistakes that your parents made. You've never had a genuinely happy relationship. You held on for so long, onto the one person whom you thought you deserved. You wanted to prove to everyone that you can be happy, even though on most days, he's made you feel like sh*t.
You resort to making decisions that only made you happy for a short while. You disregard the consequences of your actions and believe that you only live once. You get tired of doing the right thing easily because hey, you're broken, and you've earned the right to make all these mistakes. You cling to flings, satisfy temporary urges, and believe that these things make you happy; that you're not committing to anything, hence you have shielded yourself from any potential hurt that can destroy you in magnitudes that you dare not imagine.
You are broken.
And you should not date.
For some people dating entails simply having fun; going out; making out; watching movies together, having dinner, without any commitments of forever.
But dating isn't just that. Dating is like foreplay; you get to know the person more, as you spend more nights together. Your hand-holding isn't just for fun anymore. You find solace in him. You find comfort. And sooner or later, you find yourself yearning for more.
You are broken. And you cannot be with anyone until you are made whole. Until you feel that you can stand on your own two feet, without having to look for someone to depend on to make you feel alive. Other people cannot make you whole. Yes, it sounds cheesy; it sounds like bullsh*t, especially when this comes from me, but the One who made you will be able to make you feel whole. Alive. Worthy. Beautiful. Loved. Continuously resorting to having some sort of relationship with anyone, no matter how temporary those relationships are, will just break you all the more. You know you can't commit just yet; yes, it's a mutual decision... but you're human, and you're broken. Sooner or later, you will ask for more. You will feel this burning desire to ask that person "why not me?"
And it all becomes a cycle. You destroy yourself. You tell yourself it's your fault for allowing such things to happen to you... for believing that you can be emotionless, for the sake of having such a companionship. Companionship. Instead of clinging onto every ounce of faith you have left in your heart, you cling to people. Relationships. Companions. Partners.
They will never be enough. It's a harsh truth.
You are broken, and you should not date. Not until you are fully ready. Not until you can finally say I'm okay. Not until you are completely stable...because otherwise, you will continue to make the same mistakes all over again. You will continue to hurt yourself more. You will continue to break.
Fix yourself. For the right person. Yes, there is nothing wrong with going out and having fun and being with the people whose company you thoroughly enjoy... but make sure you are going out for the right reasons. Ultimately, in the end, you are after your well-being. You are after being whole. Not because of other people, but because you were able to pick yourself up and fix your life, without having to drag anyone else down with you.
You are broken. You feel like your life has been nothing but a mash up of several mistakes that your parents made. You've never had a genuinely happy relationship. You held on for so long, onto the one person whom you thought you deserved. You wanted to prove to everyone that you can be happy, even though on most days, he's made you feel like sh*t.
You resort to making decisions that only made you happy for a short while. You disregard the consequences of your actions and believe that you only live once. You get tired of doing the right thing easily because hey, you're broken, and you've earned the right to make all these mistakes. You cling to flings, satisfy temporary urges, and believe that these things make you happy; that you're not committing to anything, hence you have shielded yourself from any potential hurt that can destroy you in magnitudes that you dare not imagine.
You are broken.
And you should not date.
For some people dating entails simply having fun; going out; making out; watching movies together, having dinner, without any commitments of forever.
But dating isn't just that. Dating is like foreplay; you get to know the person more, as you spend more nights together. Your hand-holding isn't just for fun anymore. You find solace in him. You find comfort. And sooner or later, you find yourself yearning for more.
You are broken. And you cannot be with anyone until you are made whole. Until you feel that you can stand on your own two feet, without having to look for someone to depend on to make you feel alive. Other people cannot make you whole. Yes, it sounds cheesy; it sounds like bullsh*t, especially when this comes from me, but the One who made you will be able to make you feel whole. Alive. Worthy. Beautiful. Loved. Continuously resorting to having some sort of relationship with anyone, no matter how temporary those relationships are, will just break you all the more. You know you can't commit just yet; yes, it's a mutual decision... but you're human, and you're broken. Sooner or later, you will ask for more. You will feel this burning desire to ask that person "why not me?"
And it all becomes a cycle. You destroy yourself. You tell yourself it's your fault for allowing such things to happen to you... for believing that you can be emotionless, for the sake of having such a companionship. Companionship. Instead of clinging onto every ounce of faith you have left in your heart, you cling to people. Relationships. Companions. Partners.
They will never be enough. It's a harsh truth.
You are broken, and you should not date. Not until you are fully ready. Not until you can finally say I'm okay. Not until you are completely stable...because otherwise, you will continue to make the same mistakes all over again. You will continue to hurt yourself more. You will continue to break.
Fix yourself. For the right person. Yes, there is nothing wrong with going out and having fun and being with the people whose company you thoroughly enjoy... but make sure you are going out for the right reasons. Ultimately, in the end, you are after your well-being. You are after being whole. Not because of other people, but because you were able to pick yourself up and fix your life, without having to drag anyone else down with you.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Perfect on Paper: Why It's Never Enough
Everything worked out so well. Everything was perfect on paper.
But being perfect on paper is never enough. I guess I could say I'm a douche for realizing it late, that what we represented was sortof ideal, yet there were a lot of things that had to be reevaluated.
Hurting someone never feels good. And I would never think that anyone deserves to get hurt emotionally. It's another necessary goodbye. It's another it could have been. It's a slight "sayang". It's a combination of all possible emotions that a person can experience when asking someone to stop. There's that sigh of relief. Yet I found myself bawling my eyes out in my car before leaving the parking lot. There's that sense of guilt, knowing you hurt another person who doesn't deserve it.
So.. If you manage to read this, which I don't know how. I am sincerely sorry. Because you have been nothing but kind. Perfect on paper. Generous. Respectful. Loving. Sincere. Probably everything that I was looking for.. But there are some things that are far more complicated, that you will never be able to understand, because our lives are so different. I don't regret however, having been able to give someone a chance to show me the happiness that I deserve. A happiness that the right person for you deserves.
I'm sorry. I don't think I'd be able to say it enough, nor will I even have the chance to show it.
But I truly am sorry.
But being perfect on paper is never enough. I guess I could say I'm a douche for realizing it late, that what we represented was sortof ideal, yet there were a lot of things that had to be reevaluated.
Hurting someone never feels good. And I would never think that anyone deserves to get hurt emotionally. It's another necessary goodbye. It's another it could have been. It's a slight "sayang". It's a combination of all possible emotions that a person can experience when asking someone to stop. There's that sigh of relief. Yet I found myself bawling my eyes out in my car before leaving the parking lot. There's that sense of guilt, knowing you hurt another person who doesn't deserve it.
So.. If you manage to read this, which I don't know how. I am sincerely sorry. Because you have been nothing but kind. Perfect on paper. Generous. Respectful. Loving. Sincere. Probably everything that I was looking for.. But there are some things that are far more complicated, that you will never be able to understand, because our lives are so different. I don't regret however, having been able to give someone a chance to show me the happiness that I deserve. A happiness that the right person for you deserves.
I'm sorry. I don't think I'd be able to say it enough, nor will I even have the chance to show it.
But I truly am sorry.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Red Flag
We're always in denial. We find ourselves making all sorts of excuses to keep the relationship alive. He's called you names, you think it's your fault. He's hit you, you think you provoked him. He's almost hit you, you think at least he didn't. Basing these from my experiences, and from others' as well, these are the red flags, which for me, signify that you should definitely leave, or at least, have a talk to evaluate where the relationship is going (and why it's going in that direction).
1. He hits you. -- this is a no-brainer, yet a lot of us who have been abused physically find it hard to leave. Why? When there's a lull, a long interval from the last time he's hit you, you begin to think that there's a change.
If he's hit you once, he can hit you again. Get out.
2. He regularly curses you/calls you names/speaks to you in a very disrespectful manner -- physical abuse is one thing; but emotional abuse is another. Words can have a piercing effect on you psychologically and emotionally. If you're into S&M, well, I can't blame you...but really?
3. He cheats on you -- well, some people survive and get past this; but I realized that once trust is broken, the relationship turns into either
a) a blame game and
b) every questionable thing he does makes you think that he's cheating. Again. Then you start arguing about the littlest things, and you bring up the fact that he's cheated on you so he doesn't have the right to blame you for being paranoid. You check his phone, and peruse through every message just to check if he's being the good guy that he says he is.
"There's such a thing as women's intuition; nahuli ka na nga, deny ka pa rin"
Ah paranoia, everyone's enemy.
4. He doesn't like your family -- Okay fine, your mom may be a difficult to please, or your siblings may be weird for him... but if he doesn't like your family to the point that he refuses to see them or to go to family gatherings with you. If he doesn't like them now, what makes you think he'll like them next year?
5. Your family doesn't like him -- listen to your family's advice... unless he's already like Prince William, rich, good looking, he treats you right, and your family is just psychotic enough not to like him, then that's another story. If there's something that they can't seem to put a finger on, at least try to consider listening to what their advice is. They might be noticing something you[refuse to] can't seem to see.
Having a "you and me against the world" type of relationship is difficult. So unless you're willing to live that kind of life until you marry the guy, and try to survive all the awkward family dinners with him, then by all means, continue your relationship.
6. He forces you to change your religion -- religious beliefs, if conflicting...can create a lot of tension. If he forces you to convert to his religion, just so you will be allowed to date each other is something to think about. (disclaimer: I was never forced to be baptized as a Born Again mkaay :))
7. He gets jealous. Like all the time. -- he thinks all your guy friends are hitting on you, and he thinks that every guy who talks to you is your guy on the side. He thinks you constantly cheat on him because of his malicious mind. If you have to explain EVERY TIME, better think if this is the person you want to be with.
8. He picks a fight with you or reprimands you in public -- having arguments is normal; conflict is inevitable; but if he does this in public and humiliates you as if you're in some movie scene, get out while you can. If a guy is truly mature enough to handle your differences, he will opt to speak with you in private. And calmly, as much as possible.
9. He takes time away from your family or friends -- if your loved ones start noticing that you suddenly don't have ANY time for them, rethink your relationship status. A good guy would want you to keep spending time with him, as much as you spend time with your family and friends. Better if he actually wants to spend time with them too.
10. When he says everything is your fault (and refuses to believe he makes mistakes too) -- pride is an evil thing. If he keeps thinking that every little thing is your fault, then there's something seriously wrong with how his mind works. A mature person explores all areas of an argument before jumping to conclusions.
11. He isn't a God-fearing person -- This actually should be number 1 on your list.
If the person you're with does not, in any way, love or fear God, reconsider if this is the person you want to be with. You can never change a person -- yes, we always have this dream that a person would change for the better because of us, but really, we could never be fully responsible for someone's positive change. Even if he claims that he's a Christian, but his actions say otherwise, THINK long and hard if this commitment is something that you would want to continue.
12. He doesn't have goals;if he does have some, he doesn't have the right mindset to materialize those goals -- look for a man who has doable, realistic goals; better yet, go for the guy who actually has the means to materialize those goals. In the long run, a person who is responsible enough to make a life for himself says a lot about his character and how responsible he is.. and will be, once you take your relationship to the next level. He may not be the richest guy, but think again if he can't even treat you out for coffee... or crackers.
It's not being "mata-pobre" or looking down on people who aren't financially stable; but even those who don't have the highest financial income are still able to put food on the table.
....and I bet there are a lot of other red flags to watch out for, but these are the basic ones that I've come up with. Don't stay in a relationship, holding the "sayang eh" mentality over your head; don't stay with a person just because you want to prove to everyone else that you can have a long-lasting (but secretly unhappy) relationship; don't stay because people expect it of you; don't stay just because you feel like there's no one else.
Don't stay, thinking this is what you deserve. perks of being a wallflower had it right: "we accept the love we think we deserve". Everyone, no matter how their past is, or how messed up their situation is right now, deserves to be truly happy, to be with a person who treats them right. Sometimes, loving someone also means letting them go, if they're not right for you anymore.
1. He hits you. -- this is a no-brainer, yet a lot of us who have been abused physically find it hard to leave. Why? When there's a lull, a long interval from the last time he's hit you, you begin to think that there's a change.
If he's hit you once, he can hit you again. Get out.
2. He regularly curses you/calls you names/speaks to you in a very disrespectful manner -- physical abuse is one thing; but emotional abuse is another. Words can have a piercing effect on you psychologically and emotionally. If you're into S&M, well, I can't blame you...but really?
3. He cheats on you -- well, some people survive and get past this; but I realized that once trust is broken, the relationship turns into either
a) a blame game and
b) every questionable thing he does makes you think that he's cheating. Again. Then you start arguing about the littlest things, and you bring up the fact that he's cheated on you so he doesn't have the right to blame you for being paranoid. You check his phone, and peruse through every message just to check if he's being the good guy that he says he is.
"There's such a thing as women's intuition; nahuli ka na nga, deny ka pa rin"
Ah paranoia, everyone's enemy.
4. He doesn't like your family -- Okay fine, your mom may be a difficult to please, or your siblings may be weird for him... but if he doesn't like your family to the point that he refuses to see them or to go to family gatherings with you. If he doesn't like them now, what makes you think he'll like them next year?
5. Your family doesn't like him -- listen to your family's advice... unless he's already like Prince William, rich, good looking, he treats you right, and your family is just psychotic enough not to like him, then that's another story. If there's something that they can't seem to put a finger on, at least try to consider listening to what their advice is. They might be noticing something you
Having a "you and me against the world" type of relationship is difficult. So unless you're willing to live that kind of life until you marry the guy, and try to survive all the awkward family dinners with him, then by all means, continue your relationship.
6. He forces you to change your religion -- religious beliefs, if conflicting...can create a lot of tension. If he forces you to convert to his religion, just so you will be allowed to date each other is something to think about. (disclaimer: I was never forced to be baptized as a Born Again mkaay :))
7. He gets jealous. Like all the time. -- he thinks all your guy friends are hitting on you, and he thinks that every guy who talks to you is your guy on the side. He thinks you constantly cheat on him because of his malicious mind. If you have to explain EVERY TIME, better think if this is the person you want to be with.
8. He picks a fight with you or reprimands you in public -- having arguments is normal; conflict is inevitable; but if he does this in public and humiliates you as if you're in some movie scene, get out while you can. If a guy is truly mature enough to handle your differences, he will opt to speak with you in private. And calmly, as much as possible.
9. He takes time away from your family or friends -- if your loved ones start noticing that you suddenly don't have ANY time for them, rethink your relationship status. A good guy would want you to keep spending time with him, as much as you spend time with your family and friends. Better if he actually wants to spend time with them too.
10. When he says everything is your fault (and refuses to believe he makes mistakes too) -- pride is an evil thing. If he keeps thinking that every little thing is your fault, then there's something seriously wrong with how his mind works. A mature person explores all areas of an argument before jumping to conclusions.
11. He isn't a God-fearing person -- This actually should be number 1 on your list.
If the person you're with does not, in any way, love or fear God, reconsider if this is the person you want to be with. You can never change a person -- yes, we always have this dream that a person would change for the better because of us, but really, we could never be fully responsible for someone's positive change. Even if he claims that he's a Christian, but his actions say otherwise, THINK long and hard if this commitment is something that you would want to continue.
12. He doesn't have goals;if he does have some, he doesn't have the right mindset to materialize those goals -- look for a man who has doable, realistic goals; better yet, go for the guy who actually has the means to materialize those goals. In the long run, a person who is responsible enough to make a life for himself says a lot about his character and how responsible he is.. and will be, once you take your relationship to the next level. He may not be the richest guy, but think again if he can't even treat you out for coffee... or crackers.
It's not being "mata-pobre" or looking down on people who aren't financially stable; but even those who don't have the highest financial income are still able to put food on the table.
....and I bet there are a lot of other red flags to watch out for, but these are the basic ones that I've come up with. Don't stay in a relationship, holding the "sayang eh" mentality over your head; don't stay with a person just because you want to prove to everyone else that you can have a long-lasting (but secretly unhappy) relationship; don't stay because people expect it of you; don't stay just because you feel like there's no one else.
Don't stay, thinking this is what you deserve. perks of being a wallflower had it right: "we accept the love we think we deserve". Everyone, no matter how their past is, or how messed up their situation is right now, deserves to be truly happy, to be with a person who treats them right. Sometimes, loving someone also means letting them go, if they're not right for you anymore.
Monday, May 20, 2013
This is for you
After months of trying to work with the pain and to accept the fact that my marriage failed, and I'm back, yet again, to square one, you were the one person who accepted me for all I was, all I can't be, and for all I am.
My situation has been nothing but difficult, yet you became the silver lining I never thought possible. You gave me a new sense of hope, that maybe just maybe, I could experience the happiness that I truly deserve.
Now I wake up everyday feeling more beautiful than I have ever felt about myself. I have this new sense of hope and confidence that everything will be okay. That all of those years of waiting for the next time I'd suffer a beating, or thinking that being called names is a normal thing between two people, is worth it.. That God does truly reward those who suffer, and that all you have to do is to wait, in His own time.
Now I understand more fully that things do happen for a reason. You were a mere stranger to me when we first met, and I never expected for me to be able to experience something so beautiful. It's a friendship that I can't explain, and I know that it's gotta be one of the most incredible friendships God could ever give me.
So for you, who has been nothing but kind, respectful, understanding and patient.
You, who keeps telling me I'm beautiful, even on days when I feel my ugliest.
You, who understands completely, no matter how normal your life is compared to mine.
You, who has seen me at my worst.
You, whose heart is so pure and kind.
Thank you, for making me believe that there are some risks that are worth taking.
Thank you for making me believe that even though I have a tainted past, and my situation hasn't been normal or easy, that I am still a beautiful person who is worth loving.. Who is worth it. :)
My situation has been nothing but difficult, yet you became the silver lining I never thought possible. You gave me a new sense of hope, that maybe just maybe, I could experience the happiness that I truly deserve.
Now I wake up everyday feeling more beautiful than I have ever felt about myself. I have this new sense of hope and confidence that everything will be okay. That all of those years of waiting for the next time I'd suffer a beating, or thinking that being called names is a normal thing between two people, is worth it.. That God does truly reward those who suffer, and that all you have to do is to wait, in His own time.
Now I understand more fully that things do happen for a reason. You were a mere stranger to me when we first met, and I never expected for me to be able to experience something so beautiful. It's a friendship that I can't explain, and I know that it's gotta be one of the most incredible friendships God could ever give me.
So for you, who has been nothing but kind, respectful, understanding and patient.
You, who keeps telling me I'm beautiful, even on days when I feel my ugliest.
You, who understands completely, no matter how normal your life is compared to mine.
You, who has seen me at my worst.
You, whose heart is so pure and kind.
Thank you, for making me believe that there are some risks that are worth taking.
Thank you for making me believe that even though I have a tainted past, and my situation hasn't been normal or easy, that I am still a beautiful person who is worth loving.. Who is worth it. :)
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Branded
I don't necessarily hold the most attractive track record when it comes to relationships. I used to be the trophy girl - The one who can instantly be introduced to your family; the one you can brag about. Not being the prettiest girl you can find really, but character, good breeding, and a good education go a long way. I had the [almost] perfect credentials, even though I come from a dysfunctional family.
If my life would be printed out on a resume right now, two things could probably make you chuck it straight into the 'reject' pile of applicants -
SINGLE MOM.
SEPARATED.
I'm officially a part of this statistic where an X number of marriages per year in some country fails. I'm branded into the category of Extremely Complicated, Handle with Care or Run for your Life when and while you can. I'm basically a potential red flag, unless you're part of that douchey group that thinks single moms are sex-deprived human beings, and there's nothing hotter than an experienced hot mommah trying to get some. No. just. No.
Thing is, no matter how heavily complicated my life is, I still want to embrace this new chapter in my life. It's extremely scary, and I feel like I'm treading on more challenging paths ahead, because I'm not just thinking about myself anymore. I'm a 'buy 1 take 1' deal. A package, like a pack of twin popsies, that you'd have to buy in its entirety because you don't have a choice. Everything that I do, think, or say, should be aligned to what is ultimately best for my daughter. It's not about me anymore. It's about her.
I can't help but think about the future, more than the average human being. I can't go YOLO in my head. I can't go and act like the average 25-year-old, who spends Labor Day in Boracay, and dirty dances with strangers in a packed club. I can't drown my sorrows in shot glasses or tequila shots.
But wait, I actually can.. but I won't.
I don't want to be like those moms who would act as if they don't have a kid. I don't want to be like those parents who would introduce different partners to their kids because they can't seem to stick to one, or they can't seem to accept the fact that they are 'single' (in my case, well... technically single.. you know what I mean).
I've never been shy about my situation; in fact, I found myself to be more open, most especially about having a daughter, and having to protect yourself from an abusive person. Someone once asked me what my biggest achievement in life is... and I told that person, that mustering the courage to leave an abusive relationship was probably it. Most people get stuck, and spend years of their lives covering something up that is meant to be made known. A lot of wives have made excuses about bruises they have on their arms. A lot of women stay in marriages for the sake of their children, and end up having to raise emotionally-battered kids, because they had to witness such acts. Most people probably have raised their eyebrows at me because of making that decision -- but I don't care. I know it's for the best, and I know that I'm much happier now.
Yes, religion would dictate that one should not get divorced or separate from their husband; but how can one, who suffers from such abuse, not leave? How can one spend every waking hour praying that her husband would change for God, and not see any ounce of improvement from him? I'm only human, and I have had enough... so please, I would appreciate if people would refrain from giving me lectures, because you don't know what I had to go through in a span of almost 5 years.
At the end of the day, some goodbyes are indeed more necessary than wanted, and some situations, though tainted they are to the public eye, still have a layer of happiness if you would just look close enough. I saw my silver lining. I saw my opportunity to embrace the happiness and love that I truly deserve. The road to healing hasn't been easy, but the possibility of being completely okay is now within my reach.. I just really have to want it bad enough, and to believe in God that everything will be okay. :)
If my life would be printed out on a resume right now, two things could probably make you chuck it straight into the 'reject' pile of applicants -
I'm officially a part of this statistic where an X number of marriages per year in some country fails. I'm branded into the category of Extremely Complicated, Handle with Care or Run for your Life when and while you can. I'm basically a potential red flag, unless you're part of that douchey group that thinks single moms are sex-deprived human beings, and there's nothing hotter than an experienced hot mommah trying to get some. No. just. No.
Thing is, no matter how heavily complicated my life is, I still want to embrace this new chapter in my life. It's extremely scary, and I feel like I'm treading on more challenging paths ahead, because I'm not just thinking about myself anymore. I'm a 'buy 1 take 1' deal. A package, like a pack of twin popsies, that you'd have to buy in its entirety because you don't have a choice. Everything that I do, think, or say, should be aligned to what is ultimately best for my daughter. It's not about me anymore. It's about her.
I can't help but think about the future, more than the average human being. I can't go YOLO in my head. I can't go and act like the average 25-year-old, who spends Labor Day in Boracay, and dirty dances with strangers in a packed club. I can't drown my sorrows in shot glasses or tequila shots.
But wait, I actually can.. but I won't.
I don't want to be like those moms who would act as if they don't have a kid. I don't want to be like those parents who would introduce different partners to their kids because they can't seem to stick to one, or they can't seem to accept the fact that they are 'single' (in my case, well... technically single.. you know what I mean).
I've never been shy about my situation; in fact, I found myself to be more open, most especially about having a daughter, and having to protect yourself from an abusive person. Someone once asked me what my biggest achievement in life is... and I told that person, that mustering the courage to leave an abusive relationship was probably it. Most people get stuck, and spend years of their lives covering something up that is meant to be made known. A lot of wives have made excuses about bruises they have on their arms. A lot of women stay in marriages for the sake of their children, and end up having to raise emotionally-battered kids, because they had to witness such acts. Most people probably have raised their eyebrows at me because of making that decision -- but I don't care. I know it's for the best, and I know that I'm much happier now.
Yes, religion would dictate that one should not get divorced or separate from their husband; but how can one, who suffers from such abuse, not leave? How can one spend every waking hour praying that her husband would change for God, and not see any ounce of improvement from him? I'm only human, and I have had enough... so please, I would appreciate if people would refrain from giving me lectures, because you don't know what I had to go through in a span of almost 5 years.
At the end of the day, some goodbyes are indeed more necessary than wanted, and some situations, though tainted they are to the public eye, still have a layer of happiness if you would just look close enough. I saw my silver lining. I saw my opportunity to embrace the happiness and love that I truly deserve. The road to healing hasn't been easy, but the possibility of being completely okay is now within my reach.. I just really have to want it bad enough, and to believe in God that everything will be okay. :)
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
It gets tiring
When people keep asking me relentlessly "so why did you let him do those things to you?"
My answer - I was in love, blinded, and was shamelessly stupid.
I'm sure at least once in our lives, we've made that mistake of falling for the wrong person.
Of thinking "he'll change", when at the back of our heads, we're counting down the days until we need -- until we have -- to break up with them eventually.
Truth be told, I've always wanted to leave. I always knew I had to; and the answer to your question why hadn't I sooner? Well, lemme go back to square one - I don't know. I really don't. I guess I've always been the type of person who loves giving chances, who sees a glimmer of hope every time a person shows me an act of kindness. I hate thinking the worst in people, because I know how painful it is to be judged and to be thought of in a negative way, just because of one mistake I've committed in the past.
But then again, it wasn't really a practical means of survival. I let someone devalue how I should have seen myself. I disrespected myself, loved myself less because I believed that was the kind of love I deserved. I kept thinking, this will all stop eventually; that maybe in the long run, my love for this person would make him realize that he's been an asshole, yet someone still decided to stick around a little longer because ultimately, no one can be THAT bad, right?
WRONG.
It was a reality I had to face in the end. That maybe, I was really the wrong person for him, which is why I never brought out the best in him, whatever or wherever that was.
Did I ever imagine we'd end up like this? Maybe, a part of me did; but I always kept hoping that things would get fixed, when apparently, leaving was the best solution all along.
My answer - I was in love, blinded, and was shamelessly stupid.
I'm sure at least once in our lives, we've made that mistake of falling for the wrong person.
Of thinking "he'll change", when at the back of our heads, we're counting down the days until we need -- until we have -- to break up with them eventually.
Truth be told, I've always wanted to leave. I always knew I had to; and the answer to your question why hadn't I sooner? Well, lemme go back to square one - I don't know. I really don't. I guess I've always been the type of person who loves giving chances, who sees a glimmer of hope every time a person shows me an act of kindness. I hate thinking the worst in people, because I know how painful it is to be judged and to be thought of in a negative way, just because of one mistake I've committed in the past.
But then again, it wasn't really a practical means of survival. I let someone devalue how I should have seen myself. I disrespected myself, loved myself less because I believed that was the kind of love I deserved. I kept thinking, this will all stop eventually; that maybe in the long run, my love for this person would make him realize that he's been an asshole, yet someone still decided to stick around a little longer because ultimately, no one can be THAT bad, right?
WRONG.
It was a reality I had to face in the end. That maybe, I was really the wrong person for him, which is why I never brought out the best in him, whatever or wherever that was.
Did I ever imagine we'd end up like this? Maybe, a part of me did; but I always kept hoping that things would get fixed, when apparently, leaving was the best solution all along.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Top 10 Things I Miss About Being Normal
Being in the night shift is hard. Heck, I've been working as a vampire for 4 years now (hooray for my Anniversary next month!) During my first year, my body complained aimlessly. I got sick almost every month, and I would fall asleep at work (sorry!) Nevertheless, I was able to cope and adjust, and now, I am a full-fledged kick ass vampire, who's been able to survive with less than 8 hours of (straight) sleep everyday, topping it off with mommy duties and bouts of insomnia.
But I have to admit, there are things that I miss. Like
1) the mall being COMPLETELY open while I'm at work (break times could have been more fun if it were open). The downside to this is --- I end up spending than saving, so I guess, it's a good thing I work at night ;p
2) Having a normal sleeping habit. My body clock get even more confused when I reach the weekend.
3) having a normal Friday night out -- yes leaves are possible, but I really don't get to go out most of the time; I miss having a normal social life, but it's a necessary sacrifice since we work at night
4) saying good morning, when it's actually morning
5) being in a cold office during Summer (good luck to our Meralco bill this month. I think I'll be needing heart surgery once I see it)
6) going home when the sun has actually set
7) going home to sleep with Laela (see, that's why weekends are sooooo nice)
8) saying good night, when it's actually, literally night time
9) not being so tired - iba pa rin ang tulog sa gabi. You know it.
10) Being able to interact with my family normally and to spend more time with them
Despite all these sacrifices though, the 4 years have been worth it; I was still able to get pregnant, I was still able to survive, and I've been able to provide for my family, even just a little. It scares me sometimes though, to try out something new, and to venture out into the unknown (since my body has known the night shift for 4 years, straight from college woohoo!)...but hey who knows? They say things happen for a reason, and maybe, just maybe, God will give me a new challenge, or a new path, or a new chapter in my life, now that I'm slowly getting back on track. Whatever happens, I know it's for the best, and that He has provided me with an awesome support system to get me through each day. :)
So I guess for now.... this is my normal... without it though, I wouldn't be THIS happy in my life as we speak. :)
But I have to admit, there are things that I miss. Like
1) the mall being COMPLETELY open while I'm at work (break times could have been more fun if it were open). The downside to this is --- I end up spending than saving, so I guess, it's a good thing I work at night ;p
2) Having a normal sleeping habit. My body clock get even more confused when I reach the weekend.
3) having a normal Friday night out -- yes leaves are possible, but I really don't get to go out most of the time; I miss having a normal social life, but it's a necessary sacrifice since we work at night
4) saying good morning, when it's actually morning
5) being in a cold office during Summer (good luck to our Meralco bill this month. I think I'll be needing heart surgery once I see it)
6) going home when the sun has actually set
7) going home to sleep with Laela (see, that's why weekends are sooooo nice)
8) saying good night, when it's actually, literally night time
9) not being so tired - iba pa rin ang tulog sa gabi. You know it.
10) Being able to interact with my family normally and to spend more time with them
Despite all these sacrifices though, the 4 years have been worth it; I was still able to get pregnant, I was still able to survive, and I've been able to provide for my family, even just a little. It scares me sometimes though, to try out something new, and to venture out into the unknown (since my body has known the night shift for 4 years, straight from college woohoo!)...but hey who knows? They say things happen for a reason, and maybe, just maybe, God will give me a new challenge, or a new path, or a new chapter in my life, now that I'm slowly getting back on track. Whatever happens, I know it's for the best, and that He has provided me with an awesome support system to get me through each day. :)
So I guess for now.... this is my normal... without it though, I wouldn't be THIS happy in my life as we speak. :)
Saturday, March 30, 2013
25 Things I've Learned Now that I'm a 25-year-old Separatee
1. If a man hurts you physically, and batters you emotionally - leave him, while you can. It's true what they say, if he did it once, he will do it again. (Hi Rihanna)
2. You must never depend on anyone, least of all, a man, for anything.
3. Listen to what your family tells you. They may be wrong at times, but more often than not, they are right. Don't wait for things to blow up before you actually believe what they have to say. :)
4. Follow your instincts. If it feels wrong the first time, then it probably is wrong. Don't prolong the agony.
5. There's nothing wrong about being honest about your situation. If a person is willing to accept you for who you are now, then that person is for keeps. If the person judges you, don't waste your time explaining yourself. You don't owe anyone an explanation.
6. Your mom loves you unconditionally.
7. Don't be afraid to venture out. It will do you some good.
8. Give people a chance; but don't let your guard down too easily either.
9. There will always be men who will treat you like a piece of meat. Always be wary and learn the difference between a booty call and a friend who just wants someone to talk to.
10. Some guys think that being a separated, single mom means you are hungry for pleasure. Learn to give them a piece of your mind, and tell them it's not okay to treat you that way.
11. There are still good ones out there. Don't look for them though, they will, come to you eventually.
12. Don't let your ex affect you too much. Though it's a tough position to be in, just be the bigger person and be mature about everything.
13. There's a fine line between being a risk-taker, and being reckless. All your actions have consequences.
14. You are an independent, young, attractive, beautiful woman. Don't let a man feel you otherwise ;)
15. Value those who have been truly there for you. You will meet people who will gain your trust eventually, but still, choose wisely.
16. Don't belittle yourself just because you are in this situation. You will get through, eventually.
17. If it's meant to be, whatever it is, a new person in your life, a new career milestone -- God will give it to you.
18. Enjoy all the little moments. You can't turn back time. :)
19. Appreciate what you have, and count your blessings. You came out of this alive, so you know you can survive anything.
20. Don't let fear and doubt stop you from living your life the way you want to.
21. Don't be afraid of what society might think of you. Again, you don't owe anyone an explanation.
22. If he attempts a reconciliation, keep your mind open about it; but again, it could turn into a vicious cycle. Be smart.
23. Don't entertain everyone who shows interest. Don't look too easy, because you're not.
24. Take it one day at a time. This isn't a marathon. :)
25. Pray about everything. Trust God, and never let go of the fact that things happen for a reason; whatever those reasons are, He will reveal them to you at the perfect time.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Not everything's meant to last
It's a cliche, that saying "change is the only constant thing in this world". Marriages fail, they crumble; people break up; employees get fired; children move out; and the list goes on.
Not everything's meant to last; but I don't see this as a bad thing. More often than not, things don't last just because they're not meant to be. It's a fact of life; but it doesn't mean that God doesn't replace those things with better ones.
Case in point: my miscarriage back in 2011. I thought my world crashed and burned. I lost weight due to depression; couldn't eat at all, and kept thinking it was my fault my baby lost her heart beat. 2 months later, Laela was conceived. :)
And I had to learn the hard way. My marriage has crumbled. It destroyed me and admittedly sometimes, when I see them together (Laela and her daddy), my heart gets pinched, just a little. I keep thinking, if I had stayed, had I not moved out, would things have gotten better?
But I know I tried. For 5 years, I did.. I kept praying, went to counseling, did everything that I could while I was with him; played good cop-bad cop during arguments and discussions... tried being nice, tried being strict.. basically I know I have exhausted all means to save what we had.. but staying through all that also made me realize, what if I was never right for him in the first place. There are some things that we have to face, and maybe, this is one of them - this wasn't meant to last.
Don't get me wrong, I am fine with it. I have been happier than I have ever been in my life; most people have been telling me that I look different, happier.. my face looks lighter, stress-free.
And the best part is: I am not afraid to wake up one day, fearing that I might get beaten up once more.
I have left that part of my life, and have charged it to experience. I know, people are not perfect, and I wasn't the perfect wife..but I also know that I tried my best, and I guess, all this was really not meant to be.
Now I find myself getting to know more people; getting treated better...and I have come to realize that there are good ones out there; that despite my situation, some people can still accept me for who I was, who I am now, and who I can potentially be in the future. It's a comforting feeling, knowing that somehow, God is still carefully paving this path for me, even though I'm blinded by fear and doubt most of the time. I think little by little, I am getting back on track now. I just hope this goes on longer than I expect it to. :)
Not everything's meant to last; but I don't see this as a bad thing. More often than not, things don't last just because they're not meant to be. It's a fact of life; but it doesn't mean that God doesn't replace those things with better ones.
Case in point: my miscarriage back in 2011. I thought my world crashed and burned. I lost weight due to depression; couldn't eat at all, and kept thinking it was my fault my baby lost her heart beat. 2 months later, Laela was conceived. :)
And I had to learn the hard way. My marriage has crumbled. It destroyed me and admittedly sometimes, when I see them together (Laela and her daddy), my heart gets pinched, just a little. I keep thinking, if I had stayed, had I not moved out, would things have gotten better?
But I know I tried. For 5 years, I did.. I kept praying, went to counseling, did everything that I could while I was with him; played good cop-bad cop during arguments and discussions... tried being nice, tried being strict.. basically I know I have exhausted all means to save what we had.. but staying through all that also made me realize, what if I was never right for him in the first place. There are some things that we have to face, and maybe, this is one of them - this wasn't meant to last.
Don't get me wrong, I am fine with it. I have been happier than I have ever been in my life; most people have been telling me that I look different, happier.. my face looks lighter, stress-free.
And the best part is: I am not afraid to wake up one day, fearing that I might get beaten up once more.
I have left that part of my life, and have charged it to experience. I know, people are not perfect, and I wasn't the perfect wife..but I also know that I tried my best, and I guess, all this was really not meant to be.
Now I find myself getting to know more people; getting treated better...and I have come to realize that there are good ones out there; that despite my situation, some people can still accept me for who I was, who I am now, and who I can potentially be in the future. It's a comforting feeling, knowing that somehow, God is still carefully paving this path for me, even though I'm blinded by fear and doubt most of the time. I think little by little, I am getting back on track now. I just hope this goes on longer than I expect it to. :)
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Terrified
So I'm back to square one; back to getting to know people once more; back to being afraid, terrified even, of letting anyone in. Everything I've gone through, I know, is already a part of my past - my horrid, forgettable, undeniably complicated past...but I can't help but feel like I can't find myself lying to people when they want to get to know me more. I know, I know.. I shouldn't be too hard on myself, because after all, those were decisions I wanted to make at the time - those decisions that led me to where I am now, a single mom at 25, separated, and yes, highly complicated, full of baggage...and the list goes on.
My honesty back in 2007 gave my (then) partner the "license" to use my past against me. Every argument that talked about what I used to do back in college resulted in conversations that were very hurtful. I was led to believe that I didn't deserve an epic love because I used to be what I used to be - a woman with very poor decision-making skills, and who listened to no one but herself. I was very impulsive, to say the least, that I can't even count how many guys I have kissed in my lifetime. Yes. I was THAT impulsive.
And that was used against me. My "impurity", my ungodly lifestyle, he used it against me. And each time I'd refuse him, he would ask me why I said "yes" to those other guys before him. Somehow, a part of me felt used.
So now, I'm terrified. Terrified to be so honest about myself, because it might send people running towards the opposite direction. Even though I keep trying to convince myself that I really am not obligated to tell people everything about myself, it's something that I can't help but do. I have always been honest and open about how I am, and how I was.. Just afraid that one day, all this will be used against me again, and everything else that I've been trying so hard to avoid and run away from will catch up to me, unavoidably, inevitably.
My honesty back in 2007 gave my (then) partner the "license" to use my past against me. Every argument that talked about what I used to do back in college resulted in conversations that were very hurtful. I was led to believe that I didn't deserve an epic love because I used to be what I used to be - a woman with very poor decision-making skills, and who listened to no one but herself. I was very impulsive, to say the least, that I can't even count how many guys I have kissed in my lifetime. Yes. I was THAT impulsive.
And that was used against me. My "impurity", my ungodly lifestyle, he used it against me. And each time I'd refuse him, he would ask me why I said "yes" to those other guys before him. Somehow, a part of me felt used.
So now, I'm terrified. Terrified to be so honest about myself, because it might send people running towards the opposite direction. Even though I keep trying to convince myself that I really am not obligated to tell people everything about myself, it's something that I can't help but do. I have always been honest and open about how I am, and how I was.. Just afraid that one day, all this will be used against me again, and everything else that I've been trying so hard to avoid and run away from will catch up to me, unavoidably, inevitably.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
So much to say
I've always worn my heart on my sleeve; always been honest about how I felt, no matter how stupid I'd look divulging every bit of secret I have about my past and my present. Always been so vocal, always been so open.
I tried. I tried to not be so trustworthy, but I end up eating my words.
End up kicking myself for doing the things I keep trying to convince myself not to do.
It's hard really, when I have so much to say all the time, and I'd rather say everything, before I explode, trying to keep all my thoughts to myself. I've always hated asking myself "what if"....
But then again, what if I don't end up saying what I want to say?
What if this once, I actually learn how to keep my mouth shut, and pretend like everything's fine; like I'm fine with my current situation, and all I have to do is breeze through it, be more positive, and I'll be alright.
Yea. Alright. If being alright is even a legitimate feeling. If saying "I'm okay" all the time will actually work...which I'm hoping it might, since the more you say something, the more you believe it, and the more it feels truer and more real than ever.
The lie, eventually becomes the truth; we create our own versions of what's right and wrong. The world is nowhere near black and white. We always make these excuses to justify what we do, because it feels good, even though at the back of our minds, we know it's wrong, we know it's bound to end, we know it's not forever.
So what do I do now. So much to say... to whom really? Do they deserve the truth? Do I have to choose whom to be honest to, or do I just stay this way - be myself, and pray that someday, someone truly accepts me for who I am, without that person having to wait for something in return?
I tried. I tried to not be so trustworthy, but I end up eating my words.
End up kicking myself for doing the things I keep trying to convince myself not to do.
It's hard really, when I have so much to say all the time, and I'd rather say everything, before I explode, trying to keep all my thoughts to myself. I've always hated asking myself "what if"....
But then again, what if I don't end up saying what I want to say?
What if this once, I actually learn how to keep my mouth shut, and pretend like everything's fine; like I'm fine with my current situation, and all I have to do is breeze through it, be more positive, and I'll be alright.
Yea. Alright. If being alright is even a legitimate feeling. If saying "I'm okay" all the time will actually work...which I'm hoping it might, since the more you say something, the more you believe it, and the more it feels truer and more real than ever.
The lie, eventually becomes the truth; we create our own versions of what's right and wrong. The world is nowhere near black and white. We always make these excuses to justify what we do, because it feels good, even though at the back of our minds, we know it's wrong, we know it's bound to end, we know it's not forever.
So what do I do now. So much to say... to whom really? Do they deserve the truth? Do I have to choose whom to be honest to, or do I just stay this way - be myself, and pray that someday, someone truly accepts me for who I am, without that person having to wait for something in return?
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Risk vs. Reckless
So I've been 25 years old for 2 weeks now, and I've become more of a risk-taker than I've ever been.. but what does it mean to be a risk-taker? Does it mean having to become reckless? Does it mean having to drop every ounce of responsible voice in your head for the sake of satisfying yourself? Is there even such a thing as being responsibly reckless, or positively reckless for that matter.
I live life with no regrets. I kicked my birthday off by climbing up a mountain in Batangas, just because. Just because I am a risk-taker; just because I wanted to; just because I know it would do me some good.
A few days later, I risked meeting up with a friend at 3 in the morning because that friend wanted to see me; I then received my first Valentine present slash pahabol birthday gift. A few hours later, I received my first rose after 5 years, had dinner at Chuck's Deli 12 hours later, and mightily enjoyed it. They may have been small risks, but risks worth taking nonetheless.
Despite the sudden bouts of depression in the morning, when I have to talk to him and when I have to be reminded countlessly that it was my fault, I still find myself smiling about some memories that have transpired ever since my birthday month began. Roughly 2 days ago, I also reconnected with a friend over my lunch break. Somehow, the people whom I haven't spoken to for years, are those who have been quite responsible for my sanity these past few months.. makes me think if my decision to shut people out of my life has been more of a bad idea than good.
That's the thing; that's what he's made me do. I was blinded so much by my past, that I followed everything he's asked me to do...and now? He reminds me constantly about how much of an unforgivable person I was.. I am. Back in college, I know, I was reckless. But I enjoyed every minute of every stupid mistake I did...probably because I knew, I wasn't hurting anyone else in the process, but myself.. and I have always been accountable for my actions, and I never ever wanted to blame anyone else but me. After all, I am the captain of my own ship. I choose which waves to tread, and which island to go to.
Now, I'd like to think I have been more of a healthy risk-taker. My friend told me once, "keep yourself sane; you need it". How else will I be a good mother, if I'm sad or angry all the time? I need to keep myself in check; I need to be happy; I need to LOVE myself more, in order to give more love to my daughter. I need to appreciate myself more and to give myself more credit, NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME. I need to be confident. Not for any selfish reason; not to have admirers; but to be the best mother for Laela.
I aim to take more risks, responsibly of course. A healthy balance of everything is what I need.
I live life with no regrets. I kicked my birthday off by climbing up a mountain in Batangas, just because. Just because I am a risk-taker; just because I wanted to; just because I know it would do me some good.
A few days later, I risked meeting up with a friend at 3 in the morning because that friend wanted to see me; I then received my first Valentine present slash pahabol birthday gift. A few hours later, I received my first rose after 5 years, had dinner at Chuck's Deli 12 hours later, and mightily enjoyed it. They may have been small risks, but risks worth taking nonetheless.
Despite the sudden bouts of depression in the morning, when I have to talk to him and when I have to be reminded countlessly that it was my fault, I still find myself smiling about some memories that have transpired ever since my birthday month began. Roughly 2 days ago, I also reconnected with a friend over my lunch break. Somehow, the people whom I haven't spoken to for years, are those who have been quite responsible for my sanity these past few months.. makes me think if my decision to shut people out of my life has been more of a bad idea than good.
That's the thing; that's what he's made me do. I was blinded so much by my past, that I followed everything he's asked me to do...and now? He reminds me constantly about how much of an unforgivable person I was.. I am. Back in college, I know, I was reckless. But I enjoyed every minute of every stupid mistake I did...probably because I knew, I wasn't hurting anyone else in the process, but myself.. and I have always been accountable for my actions, and I never ever wanted to blame anyone else but me. After all, I am the captain of my own ship. I choose which waves to tread, and which island to go to.
Now, I'd like to think I have been more of a healthy risk-taker. My friend told me once, "keep yourself sane; you need it". How else will I be a good mother, if I'm sad or angry all the time? I need to keep myself in check; I need to be happy; I need to LOVE myself more, in order to give more love to my daughter. I need to appreciate myself more and to give myself more credit, NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME. I need to be confident. Not for any selfish reason; not to have admirers; but to be the best mother for Laela.
I aim to take more risks, responsibly of course. A healthy balance of everything is what I need.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Sanctuary
A place to call home. It doesn't have to be where I sleep on a daily basis, it doesn't have to be some fancy place I can relax it.
Sanctuary can be a person; a friend whom I can feel at home with. A companion who can give me a break from everything I have to do day in, and day out. A partner who can whisk away those negative vibes from work. From people. From him.
Someone I can walk around with, I can talk to, or not even talk to.
Someone whom I can enjoy the silence with. Someone who can understand me, without having to really fully understand me.
You don't have to be an 'empath' like me; you don't even have to say anything to make me feel better. You just have to be there, without any expectations of getting anything in return; without thinking that there will be an incentive once you serve your purpose...while I serve yours.
See, it's difficult to find this place we'd call home. Even our own houses don't serve that purpose at times, which is why we find ourselves running away.
Running away from everything.
Sometimes it would be just great to disappear; to be anonymous; to be in a place where no one really knows you; a place where the greatest judgment you'd receive would be about the clothes you're wearing, and how you look.
I felt that somehow. I went back to my alma mater yesterday to request for my transcript. And it felt great to walk around with a friend, to walk around people who don't have the slightest idea of who I am, or how old I am, or what I was doing there. It felt great to be unnoticed, to be anonymous, to be a wallflower. Having lunch where I used to eat served great memories. Walking under the heat of the sun - oh God. The sun, which I've missed terribly, as it heated up my skin and made me sweat, gave me a sense of comfort and that sense of feeling that I was alive. It didn't feel like I was dreaming. It felt more real than ever.
I've always told myself I was so glad to have graduated, to have started working, to finally earn my own money. Being back in Ateneo though, in that place where a lot of mistakes and wonderful memories happened, gave me back the feeling of being alive.. and yes, the feeling of being young. The atmosphere weirdly, oddly enough, felt like home, and it felt really comfortable, as if I had not left, as if the 4 years I have spent outside it weren't 4 years at all.
It was a mildly positive surprisingly pleasant feeling. That visit surprised myself, even though my only purpose was to request for a piece of paper. I'm quite excited to go back there this Thursday, and relive that same positive experience. I liked it. I liked it a lot.
Sanctuary can be a person; a friend whom I can feel at home with. A companion who can give me a break from everything I have to do day in, and day out. A partner who can whisk away those negative vibes from work. From people. From him.
Someone I can walk around with, I can talk to, or not even talk to.
Someone whom I can enjoy the silence with. Someone who can understand me, without having to really fully understand me.
You don't have to be an 'empath' like me; you don't even have to say anything to make me feel better. You just have to be there, without any expectations of getting anything in return; without thinking that there will be an incentive once you serve your purpose...while I serve yours.
See, it's difficult to find this place we'd call home. Even our own houses don't serve that purpose at times, which is why we find ourselves running away.
Running away from everything.
Sometimes it would be just great to disappear; to be anonymous; to be in a place where no one really knows you; a place where the greatest judgment you'd receive would be about the clothes you're wearing, and how you look.
I felt that somehow. I went back to my alma mater yesterday to request for my transcript. And it felt great to walk around with a friend, to walk around people who don't have the slightest idea of who I am, or how old I am, or what I was doing there. It felt great to be unnoticed, to be anonymous, to be a wallflower. Having lunch where I used to eat served great memories. Walking under the heat of the sun - oh God. The sun, which I've missed terribly, as it heated up my skin and made me sweat, gave me a sense of comfort and that sense of feeling that I was alive. It didn't feel like I was dreaming. It felt more real than ever.
I've always told myself I was so glad to have graduated, to have started working, to finally earn my own money. Being back in Ateneo though, in that place where a lot of mistakes and wonderful memories happened, gave me back the feeling of being alive.. and yes, the feeling of being young. The atmosphere weirdly, oddly enough, felt like home, and it felt really comfortable, as if I had not left, as if the 4 years I have spent outside it weren't 4 years at all.
It was a mildly positive surprisingly pleasant feeling. That visit surprised myself, even though my only purpose was to request for a piece of paper. I'm quite excited to go back there this Thursday, and relive that same positive experience. I liked it. I liked it a lot.
Monday, February 11, 2013
The truth is
I am an angry person. I have been, for quite some time now. This might sound a little bit too personal, heck, I expect more judgment from my peers after they read this, but I don't care anymore. Sleep has continued to elude me, for many reasons, that I cannot write down at the moment; but know this: I've been crying for hours because I did not know, rather, I do not know how else to let go of this anger I've been feeling.
Sure, climbing mountains is therapeutic. It gave me a new sense of fulfillment, and my adventurous side has been awakened. Spending more time with my daughter, no matter how sleepless I get, gives me a sense of happiness that no amount of money, haircuts, or manicures can give me.
But I have been angry. Ever since I left that townhouse, ever since I called up my mom to pick us up, ever since I hastily packed up whatever clothes I could get out of my cabinet, I have been angry. I have come to realize that these things, these unpleasant memories, will always be with me no matter what I do; and no amount of comfort, alcohol, or amazingly great sushi can flush those memories out of my head.
This morning, it happened again. He blamed me again for why I suffered all those years. He blamed me for whatever it is I experienced. In short, he made me feel once more, that I deserved every beating, every bruise, every curse. I. deserved. everything. And that this failed marriage was not his fault entirely, and that I too, was to blame.
Just like that, all of the unpleasantries came rushing back into my brain. My head is once again, filled with beating myself up for everything, for not being able to give my daughter what she deserves - a normal family, one that I never had growing up. I didn't want to make the same mistakes my parents did, but I ended up doing so. His usual line is, "I provoke him", and had I not looked the way I looked, or answered back the way I used to answer his questions, I would not have suffered a beating.
All this, has turned me into an angry person. I'd lash out on people who don't fulfill my expectations; I turn away from those whom I start to get attached to. I bitch out to see who would actually stay, and who would actually get provoked enough to hit me again. It sounds all too sick, dramatic, and overly pessimistic yes, but this is exactly how I feel, and it feels f*cking good to write about it. To let it out. To let my friends know this goes through my head a lot.
And I know that no one will be able to understand me; only those women who have suffered the same ordeal as I have would probably be empathetic, but it's a sad reality -- my friends & family, no matter how much they love me, will never be able to feel how I feel, because they are lucky enough not to suffer what I had to go through.
I am angry; not just with him, but with myself mostly. I allowed a person to treat me in such an animalistic way, thinking he would change; thinking God would change him, or have changed him, every time he had an ounce of goodness to show me. But who hits someone when she's pregnant? Who hits someone and tells her afterwards it's her fault?
I know that somehow, some day, I would have to let go of this anger. Those times when I'd plug my earphones, and walk around Eastwood by myself during my break, are times that I use to try and flush the bad memories out. I pass by the restaurant where we had our wedding reception, and yes, it does hurt. It hurts to know that you failed, that you failed to keep it together, that you failed to keep that life long commitment --- because a part of says, I had to fail. I had to let it go. I needed to, for my sake, and for my daughter's.
I honestly, do not know what to do. Yes, it's easy to say, pray. Go to church. Talk to someone. Go out. Have a rest day. Have some me time. Drink. Eat your sorrows away. Pray.
The truth is, I am lost, and I'm just well on my way to picking up the pieces again. Not just for my sake this time, but for Laela's. And I have to. I have to be strong.
Sure, climbing mountains is therapeutic. It gave me a new sense of fulfillment, and my adventurous side has been awakened. Spending more time with my daughter, no matter how sleepless I get, gives me a sense of happiness that no amount of money, haircuts, or manicures can give me.
But I have been angry. Ever since I left that townhouse, ever since I called up my mom to pick us up, ever since I hastily packed up whatever clothes I could get out of my cabinet, I have been angry. I have come to realize that these things, these unpleasant memories, will always be with me no matter what I do; and no amount of comfort, alcohol, or amazingly great sushi can flush those memories out of my head.
This morning, it happened again. He blamed me again for why I suffered all those years. He blamed me for whatever it is I experienced. In short, he made me feel once more, that I deserved every beating, every bruise, every curse. I. deserved. everything. And that this failed marriage was not his fault entirely, and that I too, was to blame.
Just like that, all of the unpleasantries came rushing back into my brain. My head is once again, filled with beating myself up for everything, for not being able to give my daughter what she deserves - a normal family, one that I never had growing up. I didn't want to make the same mistakes my parents did, but I ended up doing so. His usual line is, "I provoke him", and had I not looked the way I looked, or answered back the way I used to answer his questions, I would not have suffered a beating.
All this, has turned me into an angry person. I'd lash out on people who don't fulfill my expectations; I turn away from those whom I start to get attached to. I bitch out to see who would actually stay, and who would actually get provoked enough to hit me again. It sounds all too sick, dramatic, and overly pessimistic yes, but this is exactly how I feel, and it feels f*cking good to write about it. To let it out. To let my friends know this goes through my head a lot.
And I know that no one will be able to understand me; only those women who have suffered the same ordeal as I have would probably be empathetic, but it's a sad reality -- my friends & family, no matter how much they love me, will never be able to feel how I feel, because they are lucky enough not to suffer what I had to go through.
I am angry; not just with him, but with myself mostly. I allowed a person to treat me in such an animalistic way, thinking he would change; thinking God would change him, or have changed him, every time he had an ounce of goodness to show me. But who hits someone when she's pregnant? Who hits someone and tells her afterwards it's her fault?
I know that somehow, some day, I would have to let go of this anger. Those times when I'd plug my earphones, and walk around Eastwood by myself during my break, are times that I use to try and flush the bad memories out. I pass by the restaurant where we had our wedding reception, and yes, it does hurt. It hurts to know that you failed, that you failed to keep it together, that you failed to keep that life long commitment --- because a part of says, I had to fail. I had to let it go. I needed to, for my sake, and for my daughter's.
I honestly, do not know what to do. Yes, it's easy to say, pray. Go to church. Talk to someone. Go out. Have a rest day. Have some me time. Drink. Eat your sorrows away. Pray.
The truth is, I am lost, and I'm just well on my way to picking up the pieces again. Not just for my sake this time, but for Laela's. And I have to. I have to be strong.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Time
for one's self.. is it really something earned? imposed? is it something that everyone has a right to?
I used to think, that as long as I get to do what I'm supposed to do, I'd deserve to have time for myself. Apparently, this morning, when someone at home read my post on Facebook regarding some "me time", they took it against me.
I haven't been getting much sleep lately, partly because of my shift schedule, and partly because yes, I feel guilty.
Guilty for resting, when I should be taking care of Laela
Guilty for sleeping, when my mom or my god mother handles my daughter.
I wish I could go on days without having to rest, just so I can perform all motherly duties, without having to ask anyone else to watch my baby.
But the thing is, I can't. My body has been so weak lately, that I've been finding it hard to stay strong physically. Yes, I know what I was entering when I got pregnant. I knew the sleepless nights were to become a norm in my life, and having rest and sufficient amount of sleep are like manna from heaven. I get it. I got it. But to be spoken to, in such a way that makes me feel like I don't have the right to get tired or to want to have a break from everything is just..... I can't even define it. All I remember and know is, I got hurt, really disappointed, and now I'm just thinking, OK I can never get tired. Great.
As much as I don't want to think that no one gives a rat's ass how I feel because I'm a mom and I'm not supposed to think about myself, I still think that.. now I'm starting to believe that as long as I don't pass my mom's standards as to how a perfect mother should be (mostly what she does basically), I'll never get a thank you, or a "good job" or even a pat on the back to affirm that I'm actually doing an OK job at raising and taking care of my daughter.
I'm new to all of this, and I need the support I can get.. but things just get so damn hard when the people whom you need your support from make daily judgments how you run things in your life.
Meh.
I used to think, that as long as I get to do what I'm supposed to do, I'd deserve to have time for myself. Apparently, this morning, when someone at home read my post on Facebook regarding some "me time", they took it against me.
I haven't been getting much sleep lately, partly because of my shift schedule, and partly because yes, I feel guilty.
Guilty for resting, when I should be taking care of Laela
Guilty for sleeping, when my mom or my god mother handles my daughter.
I wish I could go on days without having to rest, just so I can perform all motherly duties, without having to ask anyone else to watch my baby.
But the thing is, I can't. My body has been so weak lately, that I've been finding it hard to stay strong physically. Yes, I know what I was entering when I got pregnant. I knew the sleepless nights were to become a norm in my life, and having rest and sufficient amount of sleep are like manna from heaven. I get it. I got it. But to be spoken to, in such a way that makes me feel like I don't have the right to get tired or to want to have a break from everything is just..... I can't even define it. All I remember and know is, I got hurt, really disappointed, and now I'm just thinking, OK I can never get tired. Great.
As much as I don't want to think that no one gives a rat's ass how I feel because I'm a mom and I'm not supposed to think about myself, I still think that.. now I'm starting to believe that as long as I don't pass my mom's standards as to how a perfect mother should be (mostly what she does basically), I'll never get a thank you, or a "good job" or even a pat on the back to affirm that I'm actually doing an OK job at raising and taking care of my daughter.
I'm new to all of this, and I need the support I can get.. but things just get so damn hard when the people whom you need your support from make daily judgments how you run things in your life.
Meh.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Know that I love you
In spite of everything you're going through right now, know that I care.
Even though people might make a joke out of your situation, know that I love you.
You may be away from home most of the time, and our bonding moments over Mudshake and cigarettes might not happen soon, but know that you are in my thoughts all the time.
I am not only a daughter and a mother.
I'm also a sister.
A sister who cares, who comforts, and who makes sure that her other sisters are taken care of. My time may be very limited, and I may not have the freedom to do what I wish all the time, but what I do know is, for you, I will not be limited. My prayers will not be limited, more importantly, my love will never be limited.
Being the first person in the family to know about your situation, makes me feel... good and bad at the same time. Good, because you felt that you could trust me, and for that I am grateful. Bad, because I feel like I should have done something a long time ago, yet everything just sunk in when I caught you in the bathroom, looking like you saw a ghost when you discovered I was in the doorway.
This is hard, but this is what family does. To be there for you when things get rough; to be there for you in spite of the silence. To hold your hand, give you a tight hug, chain you to the bed if we have to.
Most of all, to love you, for what you are, and what you plan to become.
I love you dear sister. Know that I do, that I always have, and I always will.
Even though people might make a joke out of your situation, know that I love you.
You may be away from home most of the time, and our bonding moments over Mudshake and cigarettes might not happen soon, but know that you are in my thoughts all the time.
I am not only a daughter and a mother.
I'm also a sister.
A sister who cares, who comforts, and who makes sure that her other sisters are taken care of. My time may be very limited, and I may not have the freedom to do what I wish all the time, but what I do know is, for you, I will not be limited. My prayers will not be limited, more importantly, my love will never be limited.
Being the first person in the family to know about your situation, makes me feel... good and bad at the same time. Good, because you felt that you could trust me, and for that I am grateful. Bad, because I feel like I should have done something a long time ago, yet everything just sunk in when I caught you in the bathroom, looking like you saw a ghost when you discovered I was in the doorway.
This is hard, but this is what family does. To be there for you when things get rough; to be there for you in spite of the silence. To hold your hand, give you a tight hug, chain you to the bed if we have to.
Most of all, to love you, for what you are, and what you plan to become.
I love you dear sister. Know that I do, that I always have, and I always will.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
When it's easier said than done
Funny how most of the time, the advice we give sounds so good when it's for other people; but when it's for our own sake, we fail to listen and we make dozens of excuses. The thing is, it's easier said than done. For some reason, we, as human beings, always have to learn the hard way. We need to be on the brink of self-destruction, when we finally realize that we have to get our act together. We then finally realize that what others have been telling us has been the right thing all along.
But hey, when we learn the hard way, the chances of us repeating the same mistake gets slimmer. Change can never be forcefully enforced (yes); it needs to come from within. Accepting what is, what isn't, what can, and cannot be, are things that we need to discover on our own, and it can never be something that's dictated or given as "unsolicited advice" by our parents or friends. Sometimes, these pieces of advice are even more effective when a totally random stranger says it to our face. For some reason, it's easier to swallow it from the unfamiliar, rather than from those who love us the most. Which is completely weird. But it's something I haven't deciphered just yet.
So what do you do when you're finally broken? When you've finally realized that what everyone else says is true, and that it was truly for your own good?
You trod down (more of stumble down) the road of confusion. You let yourself go for a couple of days, punish yourself if you must. But it shouldn't, and must not, go on for months. It's normal to blame yourself -- at least you know you are accountable for your actions; but blaming yourself for a stretched period of time is the perfect concoction for disaster; self-pity; low self-esteem; which will drive you to make even worse decisions than your previous ones.
But never ever ever. Drive yourself insane, with the mistakes of the past. Not only is it useless crying over spilled milk, but it hinders you to enjoy what you have at the moment: Friends who care. Family who will always be there. People who itch to tell you "I told you so" but instead of doing so, will give you a bottle of beer instead, drink with you til the wee hours of the morning, because they know that's what you need. It's normal to fear people now. Opening up and trusting others will now be a chore. What used to be such a normal thing, as easy as breathing, will now be a task that requires full attention. Mind over matter, you now say. Mind over heart, you now promise yourself.
I had to pick myself up, not for my sake, but for my daughter's. The thing is, truthfully, most days it's still a struggle. Everything still seems like a movie; a nightmare that irritatingly keeps playing inside my head whenever I'm alone or when everything seems too quiet. So being busy with work helps. Talking with my siblings and going out help. But most of all, spending time with my daughter has been the best therapy ever. That for me I think, is the healthiest driving force to help me with what I'm going through. Find something good and nice for a change. Making more mistakes will never be the solution to one's heartache or problems. Pray, if it helps. Start a journal. Go out with the right people. Find a hobby. Immerse yourself in things that truly make you happy. One day, we'll get there; to that happy place that people intend to find. One day, even though all this, is easier said than done.
But hey, when we learn the hard way, the chances of us repeating the same mistake gets slimmer. Change can never be forcefully enforced (yes); it needs to come from within. Accepting what is, what isn't, what can, and cannot be, are things that we need to discover on our own, and it can never be something that's dictated or given as "unsolicited advice" by our parents or friends. Sometimes, these pieces of advice are even more effective when a totally random stranger says it to our face. For some reason, it's easier to swallow it from the unfamiliar, rather than from those who love us the most. Which is completely weird. But it's something I haven't deciphered just yet.
So what do you do when you're finally broken? When you've finally realized that what everyone else says is true, and that it was truly for your own good?
You trod down (more of stumble down) the road of confusion. You let yourself go for a couple of days, punish yourself if you must. But it shouldn't, and must not, go on for months. It's normal to blame yourself -- at least you know you are accountable for your actions; but blaming yourself for a stretched period of time is the perfect concoction for disaster; self-pity; low self-esteem; which will drive you to make even worse decisions than your previous ones.
But never ever ever. Drive yourself insane, with the mistakes of the past. Not only is it useless crying over spilled milk, but it hinders you to enjoy what you have at the moment: Friends who care. Family who will always be there. People who itch to tell you "I told you so" but instead of doing so, will give you a bottle of beer instead, drink with you til the wee hours of the morning, because they know that's what you need. It's normal to fear people now. Opening up and trusting others will now be a chore. What used to be such a normal thing, as easy as breathing, will now be a task that requires full attention. Mind over matter, you now say. Mind over heart, you now promise yourself.
I had to pick myself up, not for my sake, but for my daughter's. The thing is, truthfully, most days it's still a struggle. Everything still seems like a movie; a nightmare that irritatingly keeps playing inside my head whenever I'm alone or when everything seems too quiet. So being busy with work helps. Talking with my siblings and going out help. But most of all, spending time with my daughter has been the best therapy ever. That for me I think, is the healthiest driving force to help me with what I'm going through. Find something good and nice for a change. Making more mistakes will never be the solution to one's heartache or problems. Pray, if it helps. Start a journal. Go out with the right people. Find a hobby. Immerse yourself in things that truly make you happy. One day, we'll get there; to that happy place that people intend to find. One day, even though all this, is easier said than done.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
My, now that's what you call a hiatus
So I haven't written in 5 months. And most of you have guessed, a lot has happened. See, chronicling everything isn't really a good idea, especially when people love to relish the drama your posts exude. However, to cut the long story short, here I am, opening 2013 with a new kind of journey, to say the least.
Things have been quite turbulent, but I know that the hardest decisions are usually the right ones. It's easy for people to say "give it one more shot" or that "marriage is supposedly a til death do us part" kind of thing; but really, one must consider all options - those options being the healthiest for you, and for your baby. No one coached me into doing what I had to do; no one. Taking a look back at how I have spent the last 5 years of my life, it's made me realize that I haven't been making the best decisions, because I kept "trying to make it work", when clearly, these kinds of things take years to work on - not 5 days, not a week, not a month. Years.
Being the visual person that I am, I found myself imagining all those ugly scenes in my head; and after watching the perks of being a wallflower, I have accepted the love that I thought I deserved -- if it really was love. Sometimes, the need to be with someone, and the need to prove people that you can settle down, can cloud your judgment, and trick you into thinking that you have an epic love; when all you really had was an unhealthy relationship with someone. Yes, the love was there. It still is. But I have to consider my life with my daughter now, and how I wouldn't want her to experience what I had to go through.
I'll never say never (oh wait, I just did. lol.) but for now, I will take things in stride; focus more on work, on being the best mother, sister, daughter, and friend. I will say yes to healing, forgiveness, and embracing the right kinds of adventure. I will not be stupid and be reckless. I will do things my daughter will be proud of. Let's see what happens in the coming months; but for now, I will say yes to me. and Laela.
Things have been quite turbulent, but I know that the hardest decisions are usually the right ones. It's easy for people to say "give it one more shot" or that "marriage is supposedly a til death do us part" kind of thing; but really, one must consider all options - those options being the healthiest for you, and for your baby. No one coached me into doing what I had to do; no one. Taking a look back at how I have spent the last 5 years of my life, it's made me realize that I haven't been making the best decisions, because I kept "trying to make it work", when clearly, these kinds of things take years to work on - not 5 days, not a week, not a month. Years.
Being the visual person that I am, I found myself imagining all those ugly scenes in my head; and after watching the perks of being a wallflower, I have accepted the love that I thought I deserved -- if it really was love. Sometimes, the need to be with someone, and the need to prove people that you can settle down, can cloud your judgment, and trick you into thinking that you have an epic love; when all you really had was an unhealthy relationship with someone. Yes, the love was there. It still is. But I have to consider my life with my daughter now, and how I wouldn't want her to experience what I had to go through.
I'll never say never (oh wait, I just did. lol.) but for now, I will take things in stride; focus more on work, on being the best mother, sister, daughter, and friend. I will say yes to healing, forgiveness, and embracing the right kinds of adventure. I will not be stupid and be reckless. I will do things my daughter will be proud of. Let's see what happens in the coming months; but for now, I will say yes to me. and Laela.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)