Everything worked out so well. Everything was perfect on paper.
But being perfect on paper is never enough. I guess I could say I'm a douche for realizing it late, that what we represented was sortof ideal, yet there were a lot of things that had to be reevaluated.
Hurting someone never feels good. And I would never think that anyone deserves to get hurt emotionally. It's another necessary goodbye. It's another it could have been. It's a slight "sayang". It's a combination of all possible emotions that a person can experience when asking someone to stop. There's that sigh of relief. Yet I found myself bawling my eyes out in my car before leaving the parking lot. There's that sense of guilt, knowing you hurt another person who doesn't deserve it.
So.. If you manage to read this, which I don't know how. I am sincerely sorry. Because you have been nothing but kind. Perfect on paper. Generous. Respectful. Loving. Sincere. Probably everything that I was looking for.. But there are some things that are far more complicated, that you will never be able to understand, because our lives are so different. I don't regret however, having been able to give someone a chance to show me the happiness that I deserve. A happiness that the right person for you deserves.
I'm sorry. I don't think I'd be able to say it enough, nor will I even have the chance to show it.
But I truly am sorry.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Red Flag
We're always in denial. We find ourselves making all sorts of excuses to keep the relationship alive. He's called you names, you think it's your fault. He's hit you, you think you provoked him. He's almost hit you, you think at least he didn't. Basing these from my experiences, and from others' as well, these are the red flags, which for me, signify that you should definitely leave, or at least, have a talk to evaluate where the relationship is going (and why it's going in that direction).
1. He hits you. -- this is a no-brainer, yet a lot of us who have been abused physically find it hard to leave. Why? When there's a lull, a long interval from the last time he's hit you, you begin to think that there's a change.
If he's hit you once, he can hit you again. Get out.
2. He regularly curses you/calls you names/speaks to you in a very disrespectful manner -- physical abuse is one thing; but emotional abuse is another. Words can have a piercing effect on you psychologically and emotionally. If you're into S&M, well, I can't blame you...but really?
3. He cheats on you -- well, some people survive and get past this; but I realized that once trust is broken, the relationship turns into either
a) a blame game and
b) every questionable thing he does makes you think that he's cheating. Again. Then you start arguing about the littlest things, and you bring up the fact that he's cheated on you so he doesn't have the right to blame you for being paranoid. You check his phone, and peruse through every message just to check if he's being the good guy that he says he is.
"There's such a thing as women's intuition; nahuli ka na nga, deny ka pa rin"
Ah paranoia, everyone's enemy.
4. He doesn't like your family -- Okay fine, your mom may be a difficult to please, or your siblings may be weird for him... but if he doesn't like your family to the point that he refuses to see them or to go to family gatherings with you. If he doesn't like them now, what makes you think he'll like them next year?
5. Your family doesn't like him -- listen to your family's advice... unless he's already like Prince William, rich, good looking, he treats you right, and your family is just psychotic enough not to like him, then that's another story. If there's something that they can't seem to put a finger on, at least try to consider listening to what their advice is. They might be noticing something you[refuse to] can't seem to see.
Having a "you and me against the world" type of relationship is difficult. So unless you're willing to live that kind of life until you marry the guy, and try to survive all the awkward family dinners with him, then by all means, continue your relationship.
6. He forces you to change your religion -- religious beliefs, if conflicting...can create a lot of tension. If he forces you to convert to his religion, just so you will be allowed to date each other is something to think about. (disclaimer: I was never forced to be baptized as a Born Again mkaay :))
7. He gets jealous. Like all the time. -- he thinks all your guy friends are hitting on you, and he thinks that every guy who talks to you is your guy on the side. He thinks you constantly cheat on him because of his malicious mind. If you have to explain EVERY TIME, better think if this is the person you want to be with.
8. He picks a fight with you or reprimands you in public -- having arguments is normal; conflict is inevitable; but if he does this in public and humiliates you as if you're in some movie scene, get out while you can. If a guy is truly mature enough to handle your differences, he will opt to speak with you in private. And calmly, as much as possible.
9. He takes time away from your family or friends -- if your loved ones start noticing that you suddenly don't have ANY time for them, rethink your relationship status. A good guy would want you to keep spending time with him, as much as you spend time with your family and friends. Better if he actually wants to spend time with them too.
10. When he says everything is your fault (and refuses to believe he makes mistakes too) -- pride is an evil thing. If he keeps thinking that every little thing is your fault, then there's something seriously wrong with how his mind works. A mature person explores all areas of an argument before jumping to conclusions.
11. He isn't a God-fearing person -- This actually should be number 1 on your list.
If the person you're with does not, in any way, love or fear God, reconsider if this is the person you want to be with. You can never change a person -- yes, we always have this dream that a person would change for the better because of us, but really, we could never be fully responsible for someone's positive change. Even if he claims that he's a Christian, but his actions say otherwise, THINK long and hard if this commitment is something that you would want to continue.
12. He doesn't have goals;if he does have some, he doesn't have the right mindset to materialize those goals -- look for a man who has doable, realistic goals; better yet, go for the guy who actually has the means to materialize those goals. In the long run, a person who is responsible enough to make a life for himself says a lot about his character and how responsible he is.. and will be, once you take your relationship to the next level. He may not be the richest guy, but think again if he can't even treat you out for coffee... or crackers.
It's not being "mata-pobre" or looking down on people who aren't financially stable; but even those who don't have the highest financial income are still able to put food on the table.
....and I bet there are a lot of other red flags to watch out for, but these are the basic ones that I've come up with. Don't stay in a relationship, holding the "sayang eh" mentality over your head; don't stay with a person just because you want to prove to everyone else that you can have a long-lasting (but secretly unhappy) relationship; don't stay because people expect it of you; don't stay just because you feel like there's no one else.
Don't stay, thinking this is what you deserve. perks of being a wallflower had it right: "we accept the love we think we deserve". Everyone, no matter how their past is, or how messed up their situation is right now, deserves to be truly happy, to be with a person who treats them right. Sometimes, loving someone also means letting them go, if they're not right for you anymore.
1. He hits you. -- this is a no-brainer, yet a lot of us who have been abused physically find it hard to leave. Why? When there's a lull, a long interval from the last time he's hit you, you begin to think that there's a change.
If he's hit you once, he can hit you again. Get out.
2. He regularly curses you/calls you names/speaks to you in a very disrespectful manner -- physical abuse is one thing; but emotional abuse is another. Words can have a piercing effect on you psychologically and emotionally. If you're into S&M, well, I can't blame you...but really?
3. He cheats on you -- well, some people survive and get past this; but I realized that once trust is broken, the relationship turns into either
a) a blame game and
b) every questionable thing he does makes you think that he's cheating. Again. Then you start arguing about the littlest things, and you bring up the fact that he's cheated on you so he doesn't have the right to blame you for being paranoid. You check his phone, and peruse through every message just to check if he's being the good guy that he says he is.
"There's such a thing as women's intuition; nahuli ka na nga, deny ka pa rin"
Ah paranoia, everyone's enemy.
4. He doesn't like your family -- Okay fine, your mom may be a difficult to please, or your siblings may be weird for him... but if he doesn't like your family to the point that he refuses to see them or to go to family gatherings with you. If he doesn't like them now, what makes you think he'll like them next year?
5. Your family doesn't like him -- listen to your family's advice... unless he's already like Prince William, rich, good looking, he treats you right, and your family is just psychotic enough not to like him, then that's another story. If there's something that they can't seem to put a finger on, at least try to consider listening to what their advice is. They might be noticing something you
Having a "you and me against the world" type of relationship is difficult. So unless you're willing to live that kind of life until you marry the guy, and try to survive all the awkward family dinners with him, then by all means, continue your relationship.
6. He forces you to change your religion -- religious beliefs, if conflicting...can create a lot of tension. If he forces you to convert to his religion, just so you will be allowed to date each other is something to think about. (disclaimer: I was never forced to be baptized as a Born Again mkaay :))
7. He gets jealous. Like all the time. -- he thinks all your guy friends are hitting on you, and he thinks that every guy who talks to you is your guy on the side. He thinks you constantly cheat on him because of his malicious mind. If you have to explain EVERY TIME, better think if this is the person you want to be with.
8. He picks a fight with you or reprimands you in public -- having arguments is normal; conflict is inevitable; but if he does this in public and humiliates you as if you're in some movie scene, get out while you can. If a guy is truly mature enough to handle your differences, he will opt to speak with you in private. And calmly, as much as possible.
9. He takes time away from your family or friends -- if your loved ones start noticing that you suddenly don't have ANY time for them, rethink your relationship status. A good guy would want you to keep spending time with him, as much as you spend time with your family and friends. Better if he actually wants to spend time with them too.
10. When he says everything is your fault (and refuses to believe he makes mistakes too) -- pride is an evil thing. If he keeps thinking that every little thing is your fault, then there's something seriously wrong with how his mind works. A mature person explores all areas of an argument before jumping to conclusions.
11. He isn't a God-fearing person -- This actually should be number 1 on your list.
If the person you're with does not, in any way, love or fear God, reconsider if this is the person you want to be with. You can never change a person -- yes, we always have this dream that a person would change for the better because of us, but really, we could never be fully responsible for someone's positive change. Even if he claims that he's a Christian, but his actions say otherwise, THINK long and hard if this commitment is something that you would want to continue.
12. He doesn't have goals;if he does have some, he doesn't have the right mindset to materialize those goals -- look for a man who has doable, realistic goals; better yet, go for the guy who actually has the means to materialize those goals. In the long run, a person who is responsible enough to make a life for himself says a lot about his character and how responsible he is.. and will be, once you take your relationship to the next level. He may not be the richest guy, but think again if he can't even treat you out for coffee... or crackers.
It's not being "mata-pobre" or looking down on people who aren't financially stable; but even those who don't have the highest financial income are still able to put food on the table.
....and I bet there are a lot of other red flags to watch out for, but these are the basic ones that I've come up with. Don't stay in a relationship, holding the "sayang eh" mentality over your head; don't stay with a person just because you want to prove to everyone else that you can have a long-lasting (but secretly unhappy) relationship; don't stay because people expect it of you; don't stay just because you feel like there's no one else.
Don't stay, thinking this is what you deserve. perks of being a wallflower had it right: "we accept the love we think we deserve". Everyone, no matter how their past is, or how messed up their situation is right now, deserves to be truly happy, to be with a person who treats them right. Sometimes, loving someone also means letting them go, if they're not right for you anymore.
Monday, May 20, 2013
This is for you
After months of trying to work with the pain and to accept the fact that my marriage failed, and I'm back, yet again, to square one, you were the one person who accepted me for all I was, all I can't be, and for all I am.
My situation has been nothing but difficult, yet you became the silver lining I never thought possible. You gave me a new sense of hope, that maybe just maybe, I could experience the happiness that I truly deserve.
Now I wake up everyday feeling more beautiful than I have ever felt about myself. I have this new sense of hope and confidence that everything will be okay. That all of those years of waiting for the next time I'd suffer a beating, or thinking that being called names is a normal thing between two people, is worth it.. That God does truly reward those who suffer, and that all you have to do is to wait, in His own time.
Now I understand more fully that things do happen for a reason. You were a mere stranger to me when we first met, and I never expected for me to be able to experience something so beautiful. It's a friendship that I can't explain, and I know that it's gotta be one of the most incredible friendships God could ever give me.
So for you, who has been nothing but kind, respectful, understanding and patient.
You, who keeps telling me I'm beautiful, even on days when I feel my ugliest.
You, who understands completely, no matter how normal your life is compared to mine.
You, who has seen me at my worst.
You, whose heart is so pure and kind.
Thank you, for making me believe that there are some risks that are worth taking.
Thank you for making me believe that even though I have a tainted past, and my situation hasn't been normal or easy, that I am still a beautiful person who is worth loving.. Who is worth it. :)
My situation has been nothing but difficult, yet you became the silver lining I never thought possible. You gave me a new sense of hope, that maybe just maybe, I could experience the happiness that I truly deserve.
Now I wake up everyday feeling more beautiful than I have ever felt about myself. I have this new sense of hope and confidence that everything will be okay. That all of those years of waiting for the next time I'd suffer a beating, or thinking that being called names is a normal thing between two people, is worth it.. That God does truly reward those who suffer, and that all you have to do is to wait, in His own time.
Now I understand more fully that things do happen for a reason. You were a mere stranger to me when we first met, and I never expected for me to be able to experience something so beautiful. It's a friendship that I can't explain, and I know that it's gotta be one of the most incredible friendships God could ever give me.
So for you, who has been nothing but kind, respectful, understanding and patient.
You, who keeps telling me I'm beautiful, even on days when I feel my ugliest.
You, who understands completely, no matter how normal your life is compared to mine.
You, who has seen me at my worst.
You, whose heart is so pure and kind.
Thank you, for making me believe that there are some risks that are worth taking.
Thank you for making me believe that even though I have a tainted past, and my situation hasn't been normal or easy, that I am still a beautiful person who is worth loving.. Who is worth it. :)
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Branded
I don't necessarily hold the most attractive track record when it comes to relationships. I used to be the trophy girl - The one who can instantly be introduced to your family; the one you can brag about. Not being the prettiest girl you can find really, but character, good breeding, and a good education go a long way. I had the [almost] perfect credentials, even though I come from a dysfunctional family.
If my life would be printed out on a resume right now, two things could probably make you chuck it straight into the 'reject' pile of applicants -
SINGLE MOM.
SEPARATED.
I'm officially a part of this statistic where an X number of marriages per year in some country fails. I'm branded into the category of Extremely Complicated, Handle with Care or Run for your Life when and while you can. I'm basically a potential red flag, unless you're part of that douchey group that thinks single moms are sex-deprived human beings, and there's nothing hotter than an experienced hot mommah trying to get some. No. just. No.
Thing is, no matter how heavily complicated my life is, I still want to embrace this new chapter in my life. It's extremely scary, and I feel like I'm treading on more challenging paths ahead, because I'm not just thinking about myself anymore. I'm a 'buy 1 take 1' deal. A package, like a pack of twin popsies, that you'd have to buy in its entirety because you don't have a choice. Everything that I do, think, or say, should be aligned to what is ultimately best for my daughter. It's not about me anymore. It's about her.
I can't help but think about the future, more than the average human being. I can't go YOLO in my head. I can't go and act like the average 25-year-old, who spends Labor Day in Boracay, and dirty dances with strangers in a packed club. I can't drown my sorrows in shot glasses or tequila shots.
But wait, I actually can.. but I won't.
I don't want to be like those moms who would act as if they don't have a kid. I don't want to be like those parents who would introduce different partners to their kids because they can't seem to stick to one, or they can't seem to accept the fact that they are 'single' (in my case, well... technically single.. you know what I mean).
I've never been shy about my situation; in fact, I found myself to be more open, most especially about having a daughter, and having to protect yourself from an abusive person. Someone once asked me what my biggest achievement in life is... and I told that person, that mustering the courage to leave an abusive relationship was probably it. Most people get stuck, and spend years of their lives covering something up that is meant to be made known. A lot of wives have made excuses about bruises they have on their arms. A lot of women stay in marriages for the sake of their children, and end up having to raise emotionally-battered kids, because they had to witness such acts. Most people probably have raised their eyebrows at me because of making that decision -- but I don't care. I know it's for the best, and I know that I'm much happier now.
Yes, religion would dictate that one should not get divorced or separate from their husband; but how can one, who suffers from such abuse, not leave? How can one spend every waking hour praying that her husband would change for God, and not see any ounce of improvement from him? I'm only human, and I have had enough... so please, I would appreciate if people would refrain from giving me lectures, because you don't know what I had to go through in a span of almost 5 years.
At the end of the day, some goodbyes are indeed more necessary than wanted, and some situations, though tainted they are to the public eye, still have a layer of happiness if you would just look close enough. I saw my silver lining. I saw my opportunity to embrace the happiness and love that I truly deserve. The road to healing hasn't been easy, but the possibility of being completely okay is now within my reach.. I just really have to want it bad enough, and to believe in God that everything will be okay. :)
If my life would be printed out on a resume right now, two things could probably make you chuck it straight into the 'reject' pile of applicants -
I'm officially a part of this statistic where an X number of marriages per year in some country fails. I'm branded into the category of Extremely Complicated, Handle with Care or Run for your Life when and while you can. I'm basically a potential red flag, unless you're part of that douchey group that thinks single moms are sex-deprived human beings, and there's nothing hotter than an experienced hot mommah trying to get some. No. just. No.
Thing is, no matter how heavily complicated my life is, I still want to embrace this new chapter in my life. It's extremely scary, and I feel like I'm treading on more challenging paths ahead, because I'm not just thinking about myself anymore. I'm a 'buy 1 take 1' deal. A package, like a pack of twin popsies, that you'd have to buy in its entirety because you don't have a choice. Everything that I do, think, or say, should be aligned to what is ultimately best for my daughter. It's not about me anymore. It's about her.
I can't help but think about the future, more than the average human being. I can't go YOLO in my head. I can't go and act like the average 25-year-old, who spends Labor Day in Boracay, and dirty dances with strangers in a packed club. I can't drown my sorrows in shot glasses or tequila shots.
But wait, I actually can.. but I won't.
I don't want to be like those moms who would act as if they don't have a kid. I don't want to be like those parents who would introduce different partners to their kids because they can't seem to stick to one, or they can't seem to accept the fact that they are 'single' (in my case, well... technically single.. you know what I mean).
I've never been shy about my situation; in fact, I found myself to be more open, most especially about having a daughter, and having to protect yourself from an abusive person. Someone once asked me what my biggest achievement in life is... and I told that person, that mustering the courage to leave an abusive relationship was probably it. Most people get stuck, and spend years of their lives covering something up that is meant to be made known. A lot of wives have made excuses about bruises they have on their arms. A lot of women stay in marriages for the sake of their children, and end up having to raise emotionally-battered kids, because they had to witness such acts. Most people probably have raised their eyebrows at me because of making that decision -- but I don't care. I know it's for the best, and I know that I'm much happier now.
Yes, religion would dictate that one should not get divorced or separate from their husband; but how can one, who suffers from such abuse, not leave? How can one spend every waking hour praying that her husband would change for God, and not see any ounce of improvement from him? I'm only human, and I have had enough... so please, I would appreciate if people would refrain from giving me lectures, because you don't know what I had to go through in a span of almost 5 years.
At the end of the day, some goodbyes are indeed more necessary than wanted, and some situations, though tainted they are to the public eye, still have a layer of happiness if you would just look close enough. I saw my silver lining. I saw my opportunity to embrace the happiness and love that I truly deserve. The road to healing hasn't been easy, but the possibility of being completely okay is now within my reach.. I just really have to want it bad enough, and to believe in God that everything will be okay. :)
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