When people keep asking me relentlessly "so why did you let him do those things to you?"
My answer - I was in love, blinded, and was shamelessly stupid.
I'm sure at least once in our lives, we've made that mistake of falling for the wrong person.
Of thinking "he'll change", when at the back of our heads, we're counting down the days until we need -- until we have -- to break up with them eventually.
Truth be told, I've always wanted to leave. I always knew I had to; and the answer to your question why hadn't I sooner? Well, lemme go back to square one - I don't know. I really don't. I guess I've always been the type of person who loves giving chances, who sees a glimmer of hope every time a person shows me an act of kindness. I hate thinking the worst in people, because I know how painful it is to be judged and to be thought of in a negative way, just because of one mistake I've committed in the past.
But then again, it wasn't really a practical means of survival. I let someone devalue how I should have seen myself. I disrespected myself, loved myself less because I believed that was the kind of love I deserved. I kept thinking, this will all stop eventually; that maybe in the long run, my love for this person would make him realize that he's been an asshole, yet someone still decided to stick around a little longer because ultimately, no one can be THAT bad, right?
WRONG.
It was a reality I had to face in the end. That maybe, I was really the wrong person for him, which is why I never brought out the best in him, whatever or wherever that was.
Did I ever imagine we'd end up like this? Maybe, a part of me did; but I always kept hoping that things would get fixed, when apparently, leaving was the best solution all along.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Monday, April 8, 2013
Top 10 Things I Miss About Being Normal
Being in the night shift is hard. Heck, I've been working as a vampire for 4 years now (hooray for my Anniversary next month!) During my first year, my body complained aimlessly. I got sick almost every month, and I would fall asleep at work (sorry!) Nevertheless, I was able to cope and adjust, and now, I am a full-fledged kick ass vampire, who's been able to survive with less than 8 hours of (straight) sleep everyday, topping it off with mommy duties and bouts of insomnia.
But I have to admit, there are things that I miss. Like
1) the mall being COMPLETELY open while I'm at work (break times could have been more fun if it were open). The downside to this is --- I end up spending than saving, so I guess, it's a good thing I work at night ;p
2) Having a normal sleeping habit. My body clock get even more confused when I reach the weekend.
3) having a normal Friday night out -- yes leaves are possible, but I really don't get to go out most of the time; I miss having a normal social life, but it's a necessary sacrifice since we work at night
4) saying good morning, when it's actually morning
5) being in a cold office during Summer (good luck to our Meralco bill this month. I think I'll be needing heart surgery once I see it)
6) going home when the sun has actually set
7) going home to sleep with Laela (see, that's why weekends are sooooo nice)
8) saying good night, when it's actually, literally night time
9) not being so tired - iba pa rin ang tulog sa gabi. You know it.
10) Being able to interact with my family normally and to spend more time with them
Despite all these sacrifices though, the 4 years have been worth it; I was still able to get pregnant, I was still able to survive, and I've been able to provide for my family, even just a little. It scares me sometimes though, to try out something new, and to venture out into the unknown (since my body has known the night shift for 4 years, straight from college woohoo!)...but hey who knows? They say things happen for a reason, and maybe, just maybe, God will give me a new challenge, or a new path, or a new chapter in my life, now that I'm slowly getting back on track. Whatever happens, I know it's for the best, and that He has provided me with an awesome support system to get me through each day. :)
So I guess for now.... this is my normal... without it though, I wouldn't be THIS happy in my life as we speak. :)
But I have to admit, there are things that I miss. Like
1) the mall being COMPLETELY open while I'm at work (break times could have been more fun if it were open). The downside to this is --- I end up spending than saving, so I guess, it's a good thing I work at night ;p
2) Having a normal sleeping habit. My body clock get even more confused when I reach the weekend.
3) having a normal Friday night out -- yes leaves are possible, but I really don't get to go out most of the time; I miss having a normal social life, but it's a necessary sacrifice since we work at night
4) saying good morning, when it's actually morning
5) being in a cold office during Summer (good luck to our Meralco bill this month. I think I'll be needing heart surgery once I see it)
6) going home when the sun has actually set
7) going home to sleep with Laela (see, that's why weekends are sooooo nice)
8) saying good night, when it's actually, literally night time
9) not being so tired - iba pa rin ang tulog sa gabi. You know it.
10) Being able to interact with my family normally and to spend more time with them
Despite all these sacrifices though, the 4 years have been worth it; I was still able to get pregnant, I was still able to survive, and I've been able to provide for my family, even just a little. It scares me sometimes though, to try out something new, and to venture out into the unknown (since my body has known the night shift for 4 years, straight from college woohoo!)...but hey who knows? They say things happen for a reason, and maybe, just maybe, God will give me a new challenge, or a new path, or a new chapter in my life, now that I'm slowly getting back on track. Whatever happens, I know it's for the best, and that He has provided me with an awesome support system to get me through each day. :)
So I guess for now.... this is my normal... without it though, I wouldn't be THIS happy in my life as we speak. :)
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