When focusing on the good

Makes everything all better.

I have come to realize that being emotional about things makes it easier for the demons in your life to catch up to you. Although everyone needs a good cry once in a while, the tears are best kept in the confines of your own home, where the people who truly matter to you are the only ones who are aware of how you truly feel.

Today marked my daughter's first turn over -- a milestone, that most babies achieve during their 4th month, Laela was able to do in her 3rd :)

This alone, is a blessing for me, and my husband was lucky enough to have been the one to witness it.

The past few weeks were clouded with negativity, no matter how hard I tried to fight it. There were moments when I felt that I wanted to leave, to disappear, just so I can get away from everything; from everyone.

But then I realized that letting people get to you is not worth it. Focusing on the bad will only bring more bad in your life, when there's so much to be thankful for. As I stated in my Facebook status, don't decide, speak, or act upon something, unless your heart & mind are in the right place. Emotions always get the best of us - we're human, and we're highly susceptible to acting impulsively. Sometimes, we need to take a breather and to take a step back in order to see things in a different perspective; to review and analyze why people act in a certain way, or why people don't like you at all. They may have their reasons, but at the end of the day, what matters the most is if you're happy with who you are, and if you think God is happy the way you are, then you're fine.

I'm glad that I was able to stand up for what I believed was right, and that I was able to confront what I had to face. I know it takes great courage to stand up to people, but it also takes great courage to be able to swallow what people have to tell you. People will never be perfect, and I know I'll never be. I guess as long as I am able to respect others, and to make sure that I don't step on other people or offend my friends, then I guess I'll be pretty happy with how I've become. I may not be the perfect wife, mother, daughter, sister, or employee...but I know I try my best to be there for the people who matter. I know I try my best to deliver at work, and I know that I try my best to be able to attend to the needs of my family, either emotional or financial.

I'm not sure if the bridges that have been burnt are still worth salvaging... it sucks when relationships end, and when the people whom you thought were never gonna stab you in the back end up doing so... there's room for forgiveness, and I know that things can be patched up, but maybe not now. Bahala na lang. If it's meant to happen, then it will. :)

At the end of the day, I'd rather focus on the people who genuinely care about me... if others decide to make an effort to bring back what used to be, then I'm all for it; but for now, I'm fine with taking things one day at a time :)

Baby turns 3 months old :)

Been a mom for 3 months...and it's been absolutely rewarding.

The sleepless nights, the tantrum frustrations, depletion of finances.... are all worth it, because I get to wake up to this little angel. I can't believe it's been 3 months already. Time has flown so fast, and it's true, you really have to enjoy every little moment of every day, because before you know it, your baby's crawling, and walking, and talking before your very eyes.

Sumakit man ulo ko sa trabaho, alam kong ikaw ang uuwian ko...

If only teleportation were possible... every time I can go on break, I'd instantly "jump" back home and snuggle you when I can. If only I can bring you to work, since you're tiny enough to fit inside my bag.. :)) *sigh* no bias here, but I find you to be totally adorable, and cute, and spazz-worthy. You are God's greatest blessing to me and your dad.

Every time I come home, I hurry up the stairs just so I can lie down next to you already. Every time I come home, the way you smile at me just brightens my day almost instantly.

I'm very happy that you're in our lives, despite the challenges. I'm so blessed to be a mother of such an amazing baby. I know you'll grow up to be smart & beautiful :) Hay... words escape me when I want to talk about you... all I can say is, GOD, THANK YOU FOR THIS. :)

Disclaimer: if you don't want to read this, then don't. :)

It's as simple as not making an effort to click on the link of my blog. I've often had "haters" whenever I post something, which is probably why I quit writing before.

But that's the thing -- who can judge if you're a good writer or not? Isn't a blog supposed to be a writer's avenue to let his thoughts out, and it's the public's discretion, whether or not they will read what has been posted?

See, that's what I don't get when people complain about other writers. A link is displayed, and it's up to you if you want to click it. It's as simple as that. :) If you think my writing sucks, then go ahead, don't read what I have to say. It's not like I force people to read my content, and ask my viewers to comment on what they see. A blog is my simple way of not flooding my Twitter/Facebook feeds with my thoughts.

So I can make it private; but I choose to make it public, JUST BECAUSE. Do I really need to explain myself? I.Don't.Think.So. :)

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Anyway, I'm quite excited with what's about to transpire at work.. lots of challenges indeed, but I'm game for anything. I can see how this workforce has molded me into a stronger person, even though sometimes I still tend to get a little immature and emotional. I guess it's because I'm just human, and I'm striving to become a better person. I have a daughter, and I want to be able to impart to her certain things that cannot be taught in a classroom.

Kahit Atenista ka pa, UPista, taga-UST, Lasalista...pare-parehas yang hindi makakapagturo ng magandang asal. A person's foundation, character, and the values that he/she will inculcate, are solely formed in the household... so I know I have to set a good example to Laela, because I want her to be the best person that she can be - a lady worthy of respect, and who can be admired because she possesses admirable traits.

For me, what matters is LEGACY.. what I am able to leave behind, whether it be regarding my family or my work. I want to be able to leave something behind that's worth remembering in a positive light. I want my legacy to be admirable, worth sharing, and something that my family can be proud of --- after all, what I do, is mainly for them. If they can't be proud of me, then I know I have failed.

Emotional threshold has been reached

When a person tries to remain strong all the time, there will come a point where one's emotional threshold will be reached. It's not because the person is weak or the person has chosen to give up, but it's because the she/he simply has had enough.

I for one, need a good cry. I just feel like I have reached that point where I just want to smack everyone senseless for all the horrible things they've done to me. I keep trying to shrug it off, convince myself that I can be the better person, and that I will choose to be respectful even though they don't deserve it...but now, I just feel like screaming or crying or leaving everything behind.

Bahala kayo sa mga buhay ninyo.

Yung tipong, gusto mo na lang sila lahat barahin, sigawan, sampalin, sagasaan. Lahat na. Ang sarap umalis, ipamukha sa kanilang lahat na hindi ko sila kailangan.

I hate how people have caused me to doubt myself; to question myself if I am good enough, if I deserve things, or if I have fulfilled expectations. Nakakapuno na lang talaga.

Sa mga nanininira sakin: huwag niyo na akong ngitian at pansinin, dahil alam ko namang ayaw ninyo sakin. Let's just all act our age, and be true to ourselves.

Sa mga nanunumbat sakin: wag na kayong gumawa ng maganda para sakin, kung susumbatan niyo rin naman ako sa huli. You do good things out of the goodness of your heart, and NOT BECAUSE YOU CAN USE IT TO YOUR ADVANTAGE WHEN YOU FIND THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO SO. Parakepa na gumawa ka ng maganda kung isusumbat mo rin naman sa huli.

I don't want to care anymore. Basta ako, gagawin ko kung ano sa tingin ko ang tama at mas makakabuti sa lahat. Kung may problema kayo sakin, KEBER KO. I have a family already, a daughter to raise, and my own personal problems to take care of. I have no time for you and your hurtful assumptions. If you have questions about my credibility as a worker, as a wife, as a MOTHER or as a daughter, DIRETSUHIN NIYO AKO. Wag yung ipapadaan niyo pa sa iba o patatagalin, tapos isusumbat din naman sa huli. If you feel that you are right about something, then go ahead and tell me directly. Hindi yung sa huli ko pa malalaman, at pinagmukha pa akong tanga. If you are mature enough, get to know me first before QUESTIONING ME. Dahil ako sa lahat ng ayaw ko, kinukwestiyon ako at sinusumbatan.

I admit that I am not perfect, and I have my GENUINE friends to thank for their transparency. The real people in my life have always told me if I'm doing something wrong. If you can't be one of them, then it's not my loss. People have the right to their own opinion; but if it's a foul opinion, MAKE SURE IT WON'T REACH ME kung wala naman kayong balak ipaalam sakin. Kung sisiraan niyo lang din ako eh mamili kayo ng pagsasabihan. Dahil tama ang dati kong boss: lahat ng bagay nakakarating sa taong sinisiraan. There's a big difference between constructive criticism at yung gusto lang mang-okray at manira.

There's a difference between talking to someone about your problem regarding a person, and talking to different sets of people na wala namang kinalaman sa pinag-uusapan niyong tao, at ipagkakalat mo na ganun yung tao. Ako mismo hindi perpekto. Nagrarant din ako tungkol sa mga tao o bagay na nakakapagpainit ng ulo ko; but I choose who I talk to. I only talk to the people I trust, and more often than not, I don't even drop names. Dahil ako, naiinis lang ako sa ugali ng tao specifically, at hindi sa tao mismo. "hate the sin, and not the sinner" ika nga.

As much as possible, I like to focus on the good side of people; but based on what I've been learning lately, it's as if people choose the blame game; it's as if it's such a fun hobby to disrespect people and to nit-pick people's mistakes and turn it into a discussion. I'm starting to get tired of all these bullcrappy stuff.

I'm just afraid that one day, I'd snap and I'd start telling people off, that my thoughts will turn into word vomit and I won't be able to restrain myself.

Sige lang.. galitin niyo lang ako.. makikita niyo hinahanap ninyo.

Disappointment

I know we're not supposed to expect; but as human beings, aren't we wired to do so?

By default, we're emotional. We're human beings. We feel. We expect. We try our best not to, but deep inside our repressed memories, deep inside this certain part of our brain, we always cling to this tiny light of hope that people aren't that bad; that people aren't disappointing; that somehow, someday, people will change for the better.

News flash.

More often than not, they don't.

The characters they have chosen to build will breed certain unfortunate values until they grow older, or until they reach this certain point in their lives, where a life-changing, life-altering experience bumps their head big time and allows them to change.

Or at least, "change" in the sense that they momentarily have this all natural high of respect and positivity, until they shrink back to their poisonous selves.

Sounds negative?

I'd like to think I've been more exposed to the world of REALITY.

Reality bites. It does. It's just up to us how to choose which bits of reality we'd like to dive ourselves into. Life isn't all happy rainbows and unicorns; despite the difficulties though, I still choose to surround myself with the people I know I can be proud of, the people I know I can respect. It's these people who make me feel that even though life can be very disappointing, it can still be worth living, because we get to experience happy moments once in a while.

Disappointment...something I deal with everyday...but at least I know that these things push me to become a better person at work, with my family, or with my friends.

Work work work

Thank goodness I have not suffered from separation anxiety yet. It helps that my laptop wallpaper isn't of Laela or Lance, otherwise, I'd be itching to go home once I've stepped inside the 1800 building.

So far, work has been okay. Still not yet too busy, but sometimes I look for work, since no work means time moving too slowly. Sometimes I feel guilty not being able to do anything, at the same time, I guess it's a healthy way for me to adjust back to working at night again.

The sleeping room has been my best friend lately. I've been falling asleep at 6AM, right when Lance leaves for work, and I end up waking up around lunch time, which is why I end up feeling really drowsy once early morning sets in.

So I'm in a new team now... new people, new process, new everything. I'm excited for the opportunities that will come my way, and hopefully, I will be able to make something of myself in my new work life. Let's see... after all, it's all up to Him. :)

Blabber blabber.. I'll see if I get to write something more substantial next time :)) til then... :)