Time

for one's self.. is it really something earned? imposed? is it something that everyone has a right to?

I used to think, that as long as I get to do what I'm supposed to do, I'd deserve to have time for myself. Apparently, this morning, when someone at home read my post on Facebook regarding some "me time", they took it against me.

I haven't been getting much sleep lately, partly because of my shift schedule, and partly because yes, I feel guilty.

Guilty for resting, when I should be taking care of Laela
Guilty for sleeping, when my mom or my god mother handles my daughter.

I wish I could go on days without having to rest, just so I can perform all motherly duties, without having to ask anyone else to watch my baby.

But the thing is, I can't. My body has been so weak lately, that I've been finding it hard to stay strong physically. Yes, I know what I was entering when I got pregnant. I knew the sleepless nights were to become a norm in my life, and having rest and sufficient amount of sleep are like manna from heaven. I get it. I got it. But to be spoken to, in such a way that makes me feel like I don't have the right to get tired or to want to have a break from everything is just..... I can't even define it. All I remember and know is, I got hurt, really disappointed, and now I'm just thinking, OK I can never get tired. Great.

As much as I don't want to think that no one gives a rat's ass how I feel because I'm a mom and I'm not supposed to think about myself, I still think that.. now I'm starting to believe that as long as I don't pass my mom's standards as to how a perfect mother should be (mostly what she does basically), I'll never get a thank you, or a "good job" or even a pat on the back to affirm that I'm actually doing an OK job at raising and taking care of my daughter.

I'm new to all of this, and I need the support I can get.. but things just get so damn hard when the people whom you need your support from make daily judgments how you run things in your life.

Meh.

Know that I love you

In spite of everything you're going through right now, know that I care.
Even though people might make a joke out of your situation, know that I love you.
You may be away from home most of the time, and our bonding moments over Mudshake and cigarettes might not happen soon, but know that you are in my thoughts all the time.

I am not only a daughter and a mother.
I'm also a sister.
A sister who cares, who comforts, and who makes sure that her other sisters are taken care of. My time may be very limited, and I may not have the freedom to do what I wish all the time, but what I do know is, for you, I will not be limited. My prayers will not be limited,  more importantly, my love will never be limited.

Being the first person in the family to know about your situation, makes me feel... good and bad at the same time. Good, because you felt that you could trust me, and for that I am grateful. Bad, because I feel like I should have done something a long time ago, yet everything just sunk in when I caught you in the bathroom, looking like you saw a ghost when you discovered I was in the doorway.

This is hard, but this is what family does. To be there for you when things get rough; to be there for you in spite of the silence. To hold your hand, give you a tight hug, chain you to the bed if we have to.

Most of all, to love you, for what you are, and what you plan to become.

I love you dear sister. Know that I do, that I always have, and I always will.

When it's easier said than done

Funny how most of the time, the advice we give sounds so good when it's for other people; but when it's for our own sake, we fail to listen and we make dozens of excuses. The thing is, it's easier said than done. For some reason, we, as human beings, always have to learn the hard way. We need to be on the brink of self-destruction, when we finally realize that we have to get our act together. We then finally realize that what others have been telling us has been the right thing all along.

But hey, when we learn the hard way, the chances of us repeating the same mistake gets slimmer. Change can never be forcefully enforced (yes); it needs to come from within. Accepting what is, what isn't, what can, and cannot be, are things that we need to discover on our own, and it can never be something that's dictated or given as "unsolicited advice" by our parents or friends. Sometimes, these pieces of advice are even more effective when a totally random stranger says it to our face. For some reason, it's easier to swallow it from the unfamiliar, rather than from those who love us the most. Which is completely weird. But it's something I haven't deciphered just yet.

So what do you do when you're finally broken? When you've finally realized that what everyone else says is true, and that it was truly for your own good?

You trod down (more of stumble down) the road of confusion. You let yourself go for a couple of days, punish yourself if you must. But it shouldn't, and must not, go on for months. It's normal to blame yourself -- at least you know you are accountable for your actions; but blaming yourself for a stretched period of time is the perfect concoction for disaster; self-pity; low self-esteem; which will drive you to make even worse decisions than your previous ones.

But never ever ever. Drive yourself insane, with the mistakes of the past. Not only is it useless crying over spilled milk, but it hinders you to enjoy what you have at the moment: Friends who care. Family who will always be there. People who itch to tell you "I told you so" but instead of doing so, will give you a bottle of beer instead, drink with you til the wee hours of the morning, because they know that's what you need. It's normal to fear people now. Opening up and trusting others will now be a chore. What used to be such a normal thing, as easy as breathing, will now be a task that requires full attention. Mind over matter, you now say. Mind over heart, you now promise yourself.

I had to pick myself up, not for my sake, but for my daughter's. The thing is, truthfully, most days it's still a struggle. Everything still seems like a movie; a nightmare that irritatingly keeps playing inside my head whenever I'm alone or when everything seems too quiet. So being busy with work helps. Talking with my siblings and going out help. But most of all, spending time with my daughter has been the best therapy ever. That for me I think, is the healthiest driving force to help me with what I'm going through. Find something good and nice for a change. Making more mistakes will never be the solution to one's heartache or problems. Pray, if it helps. Start a journal. Go out with the right people. Find a hobby. Immerse yourself in things that truly make you happy. One day, we'll get there; to that happy place that people intend to find. One day, even though all this, is easier said than done.

My, now that's what you call a hiatus

So I haven't written in 5 months. And most of you have guessed, a lot has happened. See, chronicling everything isn't really a good idea, especially when people love to relish the drama your posts exude. However, to cut the long story short, here I am, opening 2013 with a new kind of journey, to say the least.

Things have been quite turbulent, but I know that the hardest decisions are usually the right ones. It's easy for people to say "give it one more shot" or that "marriage is supposedly a til death do us part" kind of thing; but really, one must consider all options - those options being the healthiest for you, and for your baby. No one coached me into doing what I had to do; no one. Taking a look back at how I have spent the last 5 years of my life, it's made me realize that I haven't been making the best decisions, because I kept "trying to make it work", when clearly, these kinds of things take years to work on - not 5 days, not a week, not a month. Years.

Being the visual person that I am, I found myself imagining all those ugly scenes in my head; and after watching the perks of being a wallflower, I have accepted the love that I thought I deserved -- if it really was love. Sometimes, the need to be with someone, and the need to prove people that you can settle down, can cloud your judgment, and trick you into thinking that you have an epic love; when all you really had was an unhealthy relationship with someone. Yes, the love was there. It still is. But I have to consider my life with my daughter now, and how I wouldn't want her to experience what I had to go through.

I'll never say never (oh wait, I just did. lol.) but for now, I will take things in stride; focus more on work, on being the best mother, sister, daughter, and friend. I will say yes to healing, forgiveness, and embracing the right kinds of adventure. I will not be stupid and be reckless. I will do things my daughter will be proud of. Let's see what happens in the coming months; but for now, I will say yes to me. and Laela.