25 Things I've Learned Now that I'm a 25-year-old Separatee

1. If a man hurts you physically, and batters you emotionally - leave him, while you can. It's true what they say, if he did it once, he will do it again. (Hi Rihanna)
2. You must never depend on anyone, least of all, a man, for anything.
3. Listen to what your family tells you. They may be wrong at times, but more often than not, they are right. Don't wait for things to blow up before you actually believe what they have to say. :)
4. Follow your instincts. If it feels wrong the first time, then it probably is wrong. Don't prolong the agony.
5. There's nothing wrong about being honest about your situation. If a person is willing to accept you for who you are now, then that person is for keeps. If the person judges you, don't waste your time explaining yourself. You don't owe anyone an explanation.
6. Your mom loves you unconditionally.
7. Don't be afraid to venture out. It will do you some good.
8. Give people a chance; but don't let your guard down too easily either.
9. There will always be men who will treat you like a piece of meat. Always be wary and learn the difference between a booty call and a friend who just wants someone to talk to.
10. Some guys think that being a separated, single mom means you are hungry for pleasure. Learn to give them a piece of your mind, and tell them it's not okay to treat you that way.

11. There are still good ones out there. Don't look for them though, they will, come to you eventually.
12. Don't let your ex affect you too much. Though it's a tough position to be in, just be the bigger person and be mature about everything.
13. There's a fine line between being a risk-taker, and being reckless. All your actions have consequences.
14. You are an independent, young, attractive, beautiful woman. Don't let a man feel you otherwise ;)
15. Value those who have been truly there for you. You will meet people who will gain your trust eventually, but still, choose wisely.
16. Don't belittle yourself just because you are in this situation. You will get through, eventually.
17. If it's meant to be, whatever it is, a new person in your life, a new career milestone -- God will give it to you.
18. Enjoy all the little moments. You can't turn back time. :)
19. Appreciate what you have, and count your blessings. You came out of this alive, so you know you can survive anything.
20. Don't let fear and doubt stop you from living your life the way you want to.

21. Don't be afraid of what society might think of you. Again, you don't owe anyone an explanation.
22. If he attempts a reconciliation, keep your mind open about it; but again, it could turn into a vicious cycle. Be smart.
23. Don't entertain everyone who shows interest. Don't look too easy, because you're not.
24. Take it one day at a time. This isn't a marathon. :)

25. Pray about everything. Trust God, and never let go of the fact that things happen for a reason; whatever those reasons are, He will reveal them to you at the perfect time.

Not everything's meant to last

It's a cliche, that saying "change is the only constant thing in this world". Marriages fail, they crumble; people break up; employees get fired; children move out; and the list goes on.

Not everything's meant to last; but I don't see this as a bad thing. More often than not, things don't last just because they're not meant to be. It's a fact of life; but it doesn't mean that God doesn't replace those things with better ones.

Case in point: my miscarriage back in 2011. I thought my world crashed and burned. I lost weight due to depression; couldn't eat at all, and kept thinking it was my fault my baby lost her heart beat. 2 months later, Laela was conceived. :)

And I had to learn the hard way. My marriage has crumbled. It destroyed me and admittedly sometimes, when I see them together (Laela and her daddy), my heart gets pinched, just a little. I keep thinking, if I had stayed, had I not moved out, would things have gotten better?

But I know I tried. For 5 years, I did.. I kept praying, went to counseling, did everything that I could while I was with him; played good cop-bad cop during arguments and discussions... tried being nice, tried being strict.. basically I know I have exhausted all means to save what we had.. but staying through all that also made me realize, what if I was never right for him in the first place. There are some things that we have to face, and maybe, this is one of them - this wasn't meant to last.

Don't get me wrong, I am fine with it. I have been happier than I have ever been in my life; most people have been telling me that I look different, happier.. my face looks lighter, stress-free.

And the best part is: I am not afraid to wake up one day, fearing that I might get beaten up once more.

I have left that part of my life, and have charged it to experience. I know, people are not perfect, and I wasn't the perfect wife..but I also know that I tried my best, and I guess, all this was really not meant to be.

Now I find myself getting to know more people; getting treated better...and I have come to realize that there are good ones out there; that despite my situation, some people can still accept me for who I was, who I am now, and who I can potentially be in the future. It's a comforting feeling, knowing that somehow, God is still carefully paving this path for me, even though I'm blinded by fear and doubt most of the time. I think little by little, I am getting back on track now. I just hope this goes on longer than I expect it to. :)

Terrified

So I'm back to square one; back to getting to know people once more; back to being afraid, terrified even, of letting anyone in. Everything I've gone through, I know, is already a part of my past - my horrid, forgettable, undeniably complicated past...but I can't help but feel like I can't find myself lying to people when they want to get to know me more. I know, I know.. I shouldn't be too hard on myself, because after all, those were decisions I wanted to make at the time - those decisions that led me to where I am now, a single mom at 25, separated, and yes, highly complicated, full of baggage...and the list goes on.

My honesty back in 2007 gave my (then) partner the "license" to use my past against me. Every argument that talked about what I used to do back in college resulted in conversations that were very hurtful. I was led to believe that I didn't deserve an epic love because I used to be what I used to be - a woman with very poor decision-making skills, and who listened to no one but herself. I was very impulsive, to say the least, that I can't even count how many guys I have kissed in my lifetime. Yes. I was THAT impulsive.

And that was used against me. My "impurity", my ungodly lifestyle, he used it against me. And each time I'd refuse him, he would ask me why I said "yes" to those other guys before him. Somehow, a part of me felt used.

So now, I'm terrified. Terrified to be so honest about myself, because it might send people running towards the opposite direction. Even though I keep trying to convince myself that I really am not obligated to tell people everything about myself, it's something that I can't help but do. I have always been honest and open about how I am, and how I was.. Just afraid that one day, all this will be used against me again, and everything else that I've been trying so hard to avoid and run away from will catch up to me, unavoidably, inevitably.