Terrified

So I'm back to square one; back to getting to know people once more; back to being afraid, terrified even, of letting anyone in. Everything I've gone through, I know, is already a part of my past - my horrid, forgettable, undeniably complicated past...but I can't help but feel like I can't find myself lying to people when they want to get to know me more. I know, I know.. I shouldn't be too hard on myself, because after all, those were decisions I wanted to make at the time - those decisions that led me to where I am now, a single mom at 25, separated, and yes, highly complicated, full of baggage...and the list goes on.

My honesty back in 2007 gave my (then) partner the "license" to use my past against me. Every argument that talked about what I used to do back in college resulted in conversations that were very hurtful. I was led to believe that I didn't deserve an epic love because I used to be what I used to be - a woman with very poor decision-making skills, and who listened to no one but herself. I was very impulsive, to say the least, that I can't even count how many guys I have kissed in my lifetime. Yes. I was THAT impulsive.

And that was used against me. My "impurity", my ungodly lifestyle, he used it against me. And each time I'd refuse him, he would ask me why I said "yes" to those other guys before him. Somehow, a part of me felt used.

So now, I'm terrified. Terrified to be so honest about myself, because it might send people running towards the opposite direction. Even though I keep trying to convince myself that I really am not obligated to tell people everything about myself, it's something that I can't help but do. I have always been honest and open about how I am, and how I was.. Just afraid that one day, all this will be used against me again, and everything else that I've been trying so hard to avoid and run away from will catch up to me, unavoidably, inevitably.