I've always worn my heart on my sleeve; always been honest about how I felt, no matter how stupid I'd look divulging every bit of secret I have about my past and my present. Always been so vocal, always been so open.
I tried. I tried to not be so trustworthy, but I end up eating my words.
End up kicking myself for doing the things I keep trying to convince myself not to do.
It's hard really, when I have so much to say all the time, and I'd rather say everything, before I explode, trying to keep all my thoughts to myself. I've always hated asking myself "what if"....
But then again, what if I don't end up saying what I want to say?
What if this once, I actually learn how to keep my mouth shut, and pretend like everything's fine; like I'm fine with my current situation, and all I have to do is breeze through it, be more positive, and I'll be alright.
Yea. Alright. If being alright is even a legitimate feeling. If saying "I'm okay" all the time will actually work...which I'm hoping it might, since the more you say something, the more you believe it, and the more it feels truer and more real than ever.
The lie, eventually becomes the truth; we create our own versions of what's right and wrong. The world is nowhere near black and white. We always make these excuses to justify what we do, because it feels good, even though at the back of our minds, we know it's wrong, we know it's bound to end, we know it's not forever.
So what do I do now. So much to say... to whom really? Do they deserve the truth? Do I have to choose whom to be honest to, or do I just stay this way - be myself, and pray that someday, someone truly accepts me for who I am, without that person having to wait for something in return?
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