Risk vs. Reckless

So I've been 25 years old for 2 weeks now, and I've become more of a risk-taker than I've ever been.. but what does it mean to be a risk-taker? Does it mean having to become reckless? Does it mean having to drop every ounce of responsible voice in your head for the sake of satisfying yourself? Is there even such a thing as being responsibly reckless, or positively reckless for that matter.

I live life with no regrets. I kicked my birthday off by climbing up a mountain in Batangas, just because. Just because I am a risk-taker; just because I wanted to; just because I know it would do me some good.

A few days later, I risked meeting up with a friend at 3 in the morning because that friend wanted to see me; I then received my first Valentine present slash pahabol birthday gift. A few hours later, I received my first rose after 5 years, had dinner at Chuck's Deli 12 hours later, and mightily enjoyed it. They may have been small risks, but risks worth taking nonetheless.

Despite the sudden bouts of depression in the morning, when I have to talk to him and when I have to be reminded countlessly that it was my fault, I still find myself smiling about some memories that have transpired ever since my birthday month began. Roughly 2 days ago, I also reconnected with a friend over my lunch break. Somehow, the people whom I haven't spoken to for years, are those who have been quite responsible for my sanity these past few months.. makes me think if my decision to shut people out of my life has been more of a bad idea than good.

That's the thing; that's what he's made me do. I was blinded so much by my past, that I followed everything he's asked me to do...and now? He reminds me constantly about how much of an unforgivable person I was.. I am. Back in college, I know, I was reckless. But I enjoyed every minute of every stupid mistake I did...probably because I knew, I wasn't hurting anyone else in the process, but myself.. and I have always been accountable for my actions, and I never ever wanted to blame anyone else but me. After all, I am the captain of my own ship. I choose which waves to tread, and which island to go to.

Now, I'd like to think I have been more of a healthy risk-taker. My friend told me once, "keep yourself sane; you need it". How else will I be a good mother, if I'm sad or angry all the time? I need to keep myself in check; I need to be happy; I need to LOVE myself more, in order to give more love to my daughter. I need to appreciate myself more and to give myself more credit, NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME. I need to be confident. Not for any selfish reason; not to have admirers; but to be the best mother for Laela.

I aim to take more risks, responsibly of course. A healthy balance of everything is what I need.