Time

for one's self.. is it really something earned? imposed? is it something that everyone has a right to?

I used to think, that as long as I get to do what I'm supposed to do, I'd deserve to have time for myself. Apparently, this morning, when someone at home read my post on Facebook regarding some "me time", they took it against me.

I haven't been getting much sleep lately, partly because of my shift schedule, and partly because yes, I feel guilty.

Guilty for resting, when I should be taking care of Laela
Guilty for sleeping, when my mom or my god mother handles my daughter.

I wish I could go on days without having to rest, just so I can perform all motherly duties, without having to ask anyone else to watch my baby.

But the thing is, I can't. My body has been so weak lately, that I've been finding it hard to stay strong physically. Yes, I know what I was entering when I got pregnant. I knew the sleepless nights were to become a norm in my life, and having rest and sufficient amount of sleep are like manna from heaven. I get it. I got it. But to be spoken to, in such a way that makes me feel like I don't have the right to get tired or to want to have a break from everything is just..... I can't even define it. All I remember and know is, I got hurt, really disappointed, and now I'm just thinking, OK I can never get tired. Great.

As much as I don't want to think that no one gives a rat's ass how I feel because I'm a mom and I'm not supposed to think about myself, I still think that.. now I'm starting to believe that as long as I don't pass my mom's standards as to how a perfect mother should be (mostly what she does basically), I'll never get a thank you, or a "good job" or even a pat on the back to affirm that I'm actually doing an OK job at raising and taking care of my daughter.

I'm new to all of this, and I need the support I can get.. but things just get so damn hard when the people whom you need your support from make daily judgments how you run things in your life.

Meh.