[Im]patiently Waiting

Galatians 6:9

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.

The art of waiting. It's always difficult, if not, the most frustrating thing we'd have to experience. I'm a self-confessed impatient person. I tend to perform impulsively, just because I'd like to get things done in a snap. I like deciding on things quickly. I like getting results quickly.

Which is probably why God continues to try and test my patience, in order to mold me into a more patient person. They say, 'patience is a virtue'...which is very hard to have. I like being in control all the time, yet He continues to push me to wait, and to just trust that everything will be okay.

Lately, this is what I've been experiencing - the art of waiting.

Waiting for positive results.
Waiting for what my calling is, career wise.
Waiting for who really is meant for me, if there is even one.

Though I would understand myself, simply because I know how much pressure I get, I know that worrying and being impatient about things won't really improve the status quo.

I've been taught lately to just be still and to know that He is starting to lay the foundation of what I know will become the turning point, yet again, in this stage in my life. Lo and behold, after months of grueling, frustrating, days and days and months of waiting, I got a response. Something that I had not expected. And just last night, another opportunity presented itself to me, and I honestly don't know what to do about it, but to grab it, whatever outcome it could give.

From what I have been experiencing lately, I'm happy that I have been tested a lot...because now I know, with the results that I'm getting, that all this, has become a great testimony of faith, of believing that God does want the best for me. Lately, I've also been feeling a sense of peace... little by little, I'm starting to not feel so alone anymore... that I'm enjoying my singlehood, by focusing my energy more on strengthening my career, and on building a good foundation for my family, most especially for my daughter.

All this that's about to change in my life excites me more than it scares me. I had no idea that in 2013, I would have a totally different view about where my life will be headed.. and I'm more than thankful that God has been there. :)

God does, and will surprise you. In the most unimaginable, unfathomable way possible. Trust me, He has done so. :)

The Roadmap to My Heart

You think I'm complicated, when in reality, I just have a list of standards that don't match yours. I enjoy flings, temporary fleeting feelings of happiness, but only to a certain extent. I know when to stop. I enjoy being wooed. I like receiving flowers. I like being able to give. Most of the time, actually.

I like to be kissed. A lot. to be cuddled. to be told once in a while that I look and smell good.

I like to hold hands. In private. And subtly, In public.

I like to be surprised. I've always wanted someone to surprise me during my birthday. I enjoy long walks. I like to be alone. So when I ask for some time by myself, please, give it to me.

I like being around guys. Not because I'm a shameless flirt, but because I'm just one of the boys like that. I enjoy drinking, but not getting wasted. I like to drown my sorrows in food and coffee; so if you'd like to cheer me up, bring me some iced white chocolate mocha, or some caramel coffee frappe with hazelnut syrup.

I can be mean, but I'm such a softy. An apology can instantly melt my heart. As long as you mean it.

I like to be needed, but not to be used.

I need you to love me as much as I love my daughter. Or even more. 

I like to be pampered, even for just a little. I've always wanted to be treated to some island getaway.

I like trying new things with people, as long as it doesn't involve eating worms or crunchy crickets. Or orgies. Or threesomes. No.

I like to pray. And to talk about God, even when I'm not the most Godly woman you'd meet -- because -- I curse. I get road rage when I drive. I have a tendency to become a backseat/passenger seat driver. I easily get pissed when I'm hormonal. I easily cry as well.

I have a crazy-ass family.

I can be quite bi-polar. One day I'm extremely optimistic, the next, I can be so sad.

I'm very expressive. I say what's on my mind, so if I end up offending you with my blunt honesty, I'm sorry.

I say sorry a lot. But I always mean it.

I like letters. Cards. And the old-fashioned way of being courted.

I'm obviously not a virgin, but please don't treat me like I'm not one. I still can be old-fashioned and wholesome.

I enjoy doing childlike things once in a while. We all need that.

I post too many pictures and videos of/with my daughter. Just because I'm her number one fan.

I will end up posting about you, should you do so well with winning me over.

I've been so used to telling myself not to fall or not to like someone, so forgive me if I become too careful at first.

I'm a package deal. You get me and my daughter, or you don't get me at all.

I want my family to like you, and you to like them. I have had it with relationships that have to be kept secret, or that have to be tweaked to match their standards.

I hope you'd be financially stable. I can't have another anchor in my life.

I miss traveling... so taking me out for a really nice vacation would really really really mean a lot.

I like to shop. So when I do, please don't pressure me to hurry up.

I love shoes & makeup. Don't stop me from buying more :)

When I tell you exactly how I feel, please don't get angry. I'd rather be straight, than to hide my emotions, and explode unexpectedly one day.

I love to sing. In the shower. More so when I drive. So when I hit a high note, and it sounds awfully wrong, just laugh at me.

I love to eat. My usual food cravings when I've hit my time of the month are Japanese food and pizza.

I love to watch movies. Re-watch movies that I love. Like Clueless, Mean Girls, White Chicks, and Eurotrip. I love to lounge around and watch my favorite TV series as well. Bring me PLL, TVD, Suits, TWD, 90210, and True Blood, any day.

I usually can't go out. So if you'd like to see me, visit me at home. :)

I will flirt. Shamelessly flirt. But only with you. :)

I need you to be completely honest, even if the truth would hurt. To be respectful, even if I'm acting like a total b*tch. To be loving, even when I'm difficult to understand. To be brave when I'm scared. To be able to accept who I was, who I am, whom I will become, and whom I'll never be. To embrace my situation fully. Tell your parents/family about me. To be so damn proud that you won me over.

I wonder where you are. I know I haven't met you yet, I think. If you do exist, I hope He intended for us to meet. I'm in no rush, but I have to admit, sometimes it does get lonely too (I'm human, sue me.) So whoever you are... here are just some of the things you need to know about me. I wonder who's actually up to the challenge. :)

Decisions, decisions

Being helpless has never felt this good. I know it might sound sadistic in nature, but really, it's what pushed me back to praying more, and to having more faith in Him. Lately, I've been finding myself having to make life decisions. Career. Relationships. Friendships. the list goes on and on and on... thing is, we can never really control the wheel of our lives. We could steer it at some point, but ultimately, it's still up to the Big Boss out there where He'd want to take us.

I've always believed that God won't give you a problem that's too big, or too overwhelming, that you won't be able to handle. He'd equip you with a support system, and with help that we never expect to have. More often than not, He'd surprise us when we least expect it.

And lately, that's what's been happening to me.

I may not be an expert on faith, or hope, or on Christianity.. but I can be certain that somehow, things are starting to fall into place. My patience has been tested, to the point that I've literally tried to give up and to just think that the universe hated me with a passion... but maybe He's just been waiting for me to come back all along.. I've been too proud and too focused on my problems, that I failed to recognize that having a little bit of faith can go a long way.

So for now, I know I can only pray, and hope for the best... He knows what my heart desires, and He knows that ultimately, I just want what's best for me, my daughter, and my family.

I hope this time, my prayer aligns with His will. :)

Facts of Life at 25

1. You will get heartbroken.
2. Everywhere you go, the concept of "rush hour" in Manila is now dead. Traffic will most likely be unpredictably heavy.
3. Life is unfair.
4. But it doesn't have to be that difficult.
5. Your life is the way it is now, because of the decisions you make for yourself. So don't go blaming everything else on other people.
6. Being called too thin, is the same as being called too fat. Weight will always be a sensitive issue to at least one person.
7. Once you have a kid, EVERYTHING changes. Your body. Your mind. Your decisions. Your budget. Your priorities. And yes, your sanity.
8. Friends with benefits - 1 person always breaks. Always.
9. One's libido can die, if the person he/she is sleeping with has destroyed his/her's emotional state.
10. Too much or too less of something or someone is never good.
11. Babies are too cute; but they can be evil sometimes.
12. To cure depression, often times people resort to:

a. going to the parlor
b. pigging out
c. partying
d. drinking
e. there's having fun, and there's having FUN

13. Complaining is never attractive.
14. So is judging others.
15. Even when you keep telling yourself you won't trust others anymore, more often than not, you still do.
16. A job is more of a need, than a want.
17. Our mothers become our worst enemy at some point in our lives...then we come to understand why they are when we become mothers ourselves (or when we finally mature enough to accept that they were right)
18. If a guy keeps teasing you, he most probably likes you.
19. If you think someone is lying, most likely he/she is.
20. There will always be that 1 person who remains to be your 'epic love'.
21. When God says "no", He's just saving you from disaster.
22. Things happen for a reason; though it might take months or even years for us to discover what those reasons are.
23. Patience is a virtue ----- that is very very very hard to master.
24. Not all guys who give you their attention genuinely like you. Some may just be really bored.
25. Friends come and go. You're lucky to have at least 3-5 really really good ones. :)

Am I the Only One?

Disclaimer: I don't regret ever having a kid. My daughter is the best part of my life, and I could care less (well a little) if I'd ever land myself a decent, stable partner in the future. 

But am I the only one who gets tired? Frustrated when I feel like I'm not doing enough? Is it always going to be this way? I know I can't complain. I got myself in this situation (I didn't get pregnant by myself you know), and I've decided to go through with it... but I guess I never thought it would be this difficult, most especially when physically, sometimes I feel like I can't handle it anymore.

My mom would always tell me it really is like this.. when you have a kid, you kindof don't have the right to get tired, or to complain that you're too exhausted.. I know comparing myself to other parents is just plain stupid, and well, just really stupid.. but when I see other parents I know, how come they seem so.. okay? That they have time to go out, and not feel guilty when they go out? Is it because they're partners, and not necessarily single parents? Makes me wonder who takes care of their kid(s) when they do go out.. and sometimes, I couldn't help but think, why can't I have that?

AGAIN, I love my kid, 100000%%%%, and if only I could take her out every time I get the urge to leave, I would. I feel guilty for wanting to be alone sometimes... but when she's borrowed, I can't sleep either. Is this how single parenthood really works?

And now I'm feeling the pressure of earning more.. so I'm exploring other opportunities, and yet still get pressured constantly.. I feel like it's unfair if I asked for a break.. but honestly? I do want one. A guilt-free break where I don't feel guilty about leaving Laela with my mom.. because I have this feeling that every time I get to rest, I get this judgy look from her, because she has to take care of my baby.

It's weird how work has become my "break".. how I get to spend some time by myself, and how 15 minutes of alone time brings me bliss.. I feel guilty, knowing that I feel happy being alone at times..

so am I the only one? Am I so unfair? Does it make me a bad person/mother/daughter to feel this way?

Dreading the answers to these questions.

Why the broken should not date

Let's face it. You wake up everyday thinking "oh boy, another day ahead". You dread life. Living. Laughing. You dread the happiness you feel for a fleeting moment, because you know that one day, all that happiness will be wiped away by one stupid mistake.

You are broken. You feel like your life has been nothing but a mash up of several mistakes that your parents made. You've never had a genuinely happy relationship. You held on for so long, onto the one person whom you thought you deserved. You wanted to prove to everyone that you can be happy, even though on most days, he's made you feel like sh*t.

You resort to making decisions that only made you happy for a short while. You disregard the consequences of your actions and believe that you only live once. You get tired of doing the right thing easily because hey, you're broken, and you've earned the right to make all these mistakes. You cling to flings, satisfy temporary urges, and believe that these things make you happy; that you're not committing to anything, hence you have shielded yourself from any potential hurt that can destroy you in magnitudes that you dare not imagine.

You are broken.

And you should not date.

For some people dating entails simply having fun; going out; making out; watching movies together, having dinner, without any commitments of forever.

But dating isn't just that. Dating is like foreplay; you get to know the person more, as you spend more nights together. Your hand-holding isn't just for fun anymore. You find solace in him. You find comfort. And sooner or later, you find yourself yearning for more.

You are broken. And you cannot be with anyone until you are made whole. Until you feel that you can stand on your own two feet, without having to look for someone to depend on to make you feel alive. Other people cannot make you whole. Yes, it sounds cheesy; it sounds like bullsh*t, especially when this comes from me, but the One who made you will be able to make you feel whole. Alive. Worthy. Beautiful. Loved. Continuously resorting to having some sort of relationship with anyone, no matter how temporary those relationships are, will just break you all the more. You know you can't commit just yet; yes, it's a mutual decision... but you're human, and you're broken. Sooner or later, you will ask for more. You will feel this burning desire to ask that person "why not me?"

And it all becomes a cycle. You destroy yourself. You tell yourself it's your fault for allowing such things to happen to you... for believing that you can be emotionless, for the sake of having such a companionship. Companionship. Instead of clinging onto every ounce of faith you have left in your heart, you cling to people. Relationships. Companions. Partners.

They will never be enough. It's a harsh truth.

You are broken, and you should not date. Not until you are fully ready. Not until you can finally say I'm okay. Not until you are completely stable...because otherwise, you will continue to make the same mistakes all over again. You will continue to hurt yourself more. You will continue to break.

Fix yourself. For the right person. Yes, there is nothing wrong with going out and having fun and being with the people whose company you thoroughly enjoy... but make sure you are going out for the right reasons. Ultimately, in the end, you are after your well-being. You are after being whole. Not because of other people, but because you were able to pick yourself up and fix your life, without having to drag anyone else down with you.

Perfect on Paper: Why It's Never Enough

Everything worked out so well. Everything was perfect on paper.

But being perfect on paper is never enough. I guess I could say I'm a douche for realizing it late, that what we represented was sortof ideal, yet there were a lot of things that had to be reevaluated.

Hurting someone never feels good. And I would never think that anyone deserves to get hurt emotionally. It's another necessary goodbye. It's another it could have been. It's a slight "sayang". It's a combination of all possible emotions that a person can experience when asking someone to stop. There's that sigh of relief. Yet I found myself bawling my eyes out in my car before leaving the parking lot. There's that sense of guilt, knowing you hurt another person who doesn't deserve it.

So.. If you manage to read this, which I don't know how. I am sincerely sorry. Because you have been nothing but kind. Perfect on paper. Generous. Respectful. Loving. Sincere. Probably everything that I was looking for.. But there are some things that are far more complicated, that you will never be able to understand, because our lives are so different. I don't regret however, having been able to give someone a chance to show me the happiness that I deserve. A happiness that the right person for you deserves.

I'm sorry. I don't think I'd be able to say it enough, nor will I even have the chance to show it.

But I truly am sorry.